No Contact

I decided that I need to break absolutely all contact with S for a little while. It's nothing personal to her, but I need to properly have the space and time that I need to feel better.

I realized that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't been living, I have simply been existing, and I have started to feel worse and worse because of it. I need to go and start living my life again, and filling my time with the things that I want to do, rather then moping about and pretending to myself that it will all work out fine in the end.

I went to her's last night and pretty much told her this, that I need to start living my life again, and that I need to start letting her live hers. She understood, I stayed the night(slept on the couch), and left this morning, and i have felt great today. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My plans for the next few months haven't changed, I still intend on joining the Gym next month, I still intend on getting my drivers license. But I will be doing these things for me, and no one else.

I still wish I had someone to share my life with, but I know in my heart that right now, I can't have anyone because I will break their heart, I made that mistake before and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I REALLY identify with this song...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

I have a question.

This is something that's been bothering me for the last couple of days, through conversations with friends, family and people outside the situation.

But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?

"It will get better in time"

I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.

I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.

12 Days later

It's been 12 days since S and I officially broken up. In that time I have seen her about 4 times and everytime that I do, I feel great that she wants to see me, and crap that it has to end.

I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.

I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.

I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.

We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.

I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.

What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.

I think i'm paranoid...

Well. Here's the thing.

I think that my paranoia, from the initial finding out about what was going on 2 months ago, to turning up at her door and essentially catching her with him last week, has contributed a lot to what's going on.

I have done some things that I promised myself I would never do. I have snooped, I have collected information online to try and find out what's going on, I have accessed email accounts that weren't mine, read messages that were not for my eyes and seen pictures that I didn't want to see. All of this is persuit of "THE TRUTH".

But how much of that made things worse? What would have happened if I told her that I found out, and believed her when she told me that it was a one off thing that would never happen again? What would have happened if I just lay back and accepted that explanation?  Would we have come out the other side happier, having seen the problems present in the relationship and started to work on them and get everything back on track? Or would it have got worse because she thought I was happy with the explanation.

I honestly don't know, We both should have handled this differently and done more to fix the problems then try to find something to blame the other person for.

The funny part is, I have tried to get angry about what happened last Wednesday. I was initially furious, but when I think about it now, it's not the sex that bothers me. We are human, and Sex is a primal urge, if 2 people are going through a similar situation it's sometimes the logical conclusion. I have never seen sex as the be all and end all of a relationship anyway, it's a by product for sure, but not the reason that you stay with someone. When someone cheats in that way, it's more an indication of bigger problems then the actual problem, and focusing on that part of the affair puts everything else out of focus.

It's maybe a little too late to have realized that.

*hums*

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

The Plan

So, with my Relationship and current life in tatters, I feel that it's time to make a plan for the next year to get myself back in "the game" so to speak.

It's no secret that I have a lot of issues in myself around self confidence and my looks, I'm not an amazingly attractive man and it's something that I have come to accept about myself and not anything I can really change.

However, I have let myself go a bit.

I have weighed nearly 20stones for a good 5 years. I'm not a small man by any means(I'm quite tall, 6 ft 4) and I am big built so I don't look too bad, but I need to start thinking about these sort of things.

So, here is the plan as it stands at the moment.

1) Join a Gym. There are 2 reasons for this, a) My Weight, which I intend to bring down to a more healthy 14 or 15 stone. But also, b) An outlet, something to get me out of the house and doing something other then playing the xbox, or staring idly at facebook, waiting for her to call or text me.

2) Get my teeth fixed. A source of frustration for S, and somewhat for me as well, as the state of my teeth has led me to the Dental hospital 3 times in the past 4 years. This is going to require that I get a loan to do this, as I fear there is a lot of work to do, however, due to a rather nice policy from my work, I should get most of this money back to go into my third part of the plan.

3) Finish my Driving lessons and actually learn how to drive.

4) Clear my overdraft. In all honesty, I should have done this years ago, and started doing it 2 months ago, but being £2300 in the red with the bank for so long has not been one of my proudest moments.

5) Get out more. I have a very small social circle and haven't done much to extend this in the last few years. This is something I need to change, as I have no desire to be "that guy" who stands at bars trying to buy random women drinks in the hope they will talk to me.

6) Hardest part, stop thinking about all the things that I should have done. I know where it went wrong, I can proportion the parts of the blame at my own feet, some at hers and some at his. I know it takes more then one person to totally screw something this badly.

7) When I feel ready, start thinking about moving on, get into something casual and not to serious with someone. I am a social creature at heart, and I need some sort of companionship to feel happy, but after 9 years I don't want to end up falling head over heals for someone again.

8) See my family more. A huge regret and something I really intend on thinking. My Oldest brother had a little boy 2 years ago, and I have never seen him.

9) Heal

Rough with the smooth.

I had what can only be described as a little bit of a revelation at the weekend.

I went to see my mum on Saturday, decided that sitting in the flat on my own would have been the worst Idea, so got out and seen some family for a while. Seen my Mum, spoke to her about what's happened. She is understandably quite gutted, but I didn't go into the full details about it.

Anyway, trip out the house, back to my Sisters and I was sitting watching the tennis, fighting off my Sisters 3 youngest as they climbed be like some monkey bars, and I realised a couple of things.

I would never have kids with her.

I had to get out of there, went out into the back garden and I just burst into tears. It's a hard thought to take because I genuinely wanted that, and now it's never going to happen.

The other part I realised was that I wasn't just losing my partner and the woman that I loved, I was also losing my best friend, and that was the single hardest thing for me to take. I have known S since I was 17 years old in some capacity, either as a Pen pal, or friends or otherwise, to think that I am going to lose her from my life after all these years is killing me.

Right

So. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

I moved out of "our" flat on Tuesday, and it officially became "Her Flat" have the keys back and then went for a couple of drinks together. Tried to have a nice night, left her on the train at half 11 and went home and to my new life as a single man.

Wednesday rolled around, and all day, emails, nicey nicey, asking how my day was, if I was settling in ok, but also giving more information then I think she intended to. She has never been very good at lying, and when things change at the drop of a hat, it starts to get my suspicion glands going.  At 6pm all that commenced was complete, and utter, radio silence. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing. I tried to call her to see if she was ok, and her phone was off.

So I did the most monumentally stupidest thing that I could have done. I grabbed my keys, left my flat, jumped on the train and went to hers.

I don't know what I expected to find, that she was genuinely in bed and asleep after feeling ill all day, or that she wasn't in at all, and I would catch her on her way back from wherever she was, I don't know.

What I did find, both broke my heart, and killed any thought that I could have saved this at all.

I managed to get into the flat after about half an hour, I buzzed the entry buzzer a couple of times, and tried to call her, but they both went unanswered. When I saw one of the negighbours come out for a smoke, I took my chance and got it, went up the stairs. I could hear voices, not a voice, but voices coming from inside the flat, so I peeked through the letter box, just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom, what had been until 24 hours before, OUR bedroom.

I didn't do anything, not immediatly. Instead I went outside and let my initial anger simmer off, but I fired off a text message telling her we needed to talk, NOW. After half an hour, and no reply, I decided to confront it head on, and went back, got back into the flat and got myself in by ringing the doorbell until she answered the door. She pushed me into the room and got him out of the flat. And then the fight began.

I don't know what I was expecting. I thought that things that she had told me over the past few weeks had been true, that she did still love me and wanted time and space to figure out what she wanted. The first thing she said to me when he was gone. "WE ARE BROKEN UP". Cheers. You made that clear.

Spent yesterday in a bit of a daze if I'm honest. Decided to keep emails civil but off the matter of what had happened, but I know that this is over now, In my heart I know that I can't forgive her for what she had done, and how she had made me feel like this is all my fault.

So, yeah, not a great first week away, but nothing that I wasn't really expecting anyway.

What do you do when you have tried everything?

That's a question I have been asking myself today.

The answer.

Stop trying

Another song I think

You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...

Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

I honestly don't know

Yep.

As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.

I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.

I just don't know.

I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.

I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.

I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.

I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.

Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.

I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.

I'm a dick.

Not feeling it today

Today has been a write off from the second that I woke up until now, just before I am going to bed.

I want S to admit what is going on, I know there is something more then what she is telling me, all the secrets and all the lies she has told me point directly at that. I need her honesty now more than ever. I don't want to go through the next two months wondering if she is with him, or what she is doing.

I know that I will never get the truth from her though, it's like she is incapable of it.

But I know her too well, I know what she is like. She won't want to be single, she hasn't been for at least 10 years and nearly 9 of those were with me.

UGH!

Pfffffftttt

What can I say really.

She doesn't want me in her life, I don't want to be around her.

Told her today that when I move out then I will be totally gone from her life, S deserves better than this, if she was happy with me, then she would have fought it. I need to move on and let her be happy. I need to be happy.

Moods are up and down right now, sometimes I am quite high and happy, other times I feel like I have hit the bottom and have no way of getting back up. Don't know what the next couple of months will bring, but I can only try and look on the bright side now.

So, I think I know where this is going

This has not been a good weekend.

On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.

I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.

It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.

I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.

We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.

On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one.  I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.

She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.

Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.

So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.

I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.

Oh Well

Well.

That's over then.

I have just fucked up the last 9 years of my life, and I feel like shit for doing it.

GO ME!

The rules of Seperation

Ok, so I have been trying to think about the "Rules" for this trial seperation, and how we are going to handle it. I have spoken with S about this as well, and as usual she listened, didn't talk, so I don't know how much she took in, or agreed with.

So, here are the rules as they stand at the moment.

1) This will last a minimum of 2 months.
2) After I have moved out on the 1st September, I am to leave S alone for a week to allow her some time and space to think. During this time I am not to contact her to ask any questions around the status of the relationship.
3) We are to commit to seeing each other at least once per week. Days to be decided at the time
4) If a Random hook up does occur at any point, then we are not to let the other person know.
5) Privacy will be respected by both parties
6) Sex(with each other) is still permitted, although not expected at every meeting, or to be used as a weapon
7) If she does decide that she want's to start Seeing G during this time, then the separation is over, and we will become single.
8) After the initial 2 month period, a discussion will take place to decide whether or not we want to continue with the separation, and the relationship is salvagable. If it is decided at that point to continue All previous rules stand.
9) If we decide after the initial 2 months to continue working on the relationship, then we will have a further 4 months from that point to decide whether or not to become a fully fledged couple.
10) Both parties are to go out with friends during this time.
11) One person is not to continue with the seperation, if the only reason they are doing so is to make the other person feel better.
12) Be available to talk whenever possible, but never blow off any pre-arranged plans to do so.
13) An extension to 12, never be too needy for attention, if someone doesn't want to talk, then you must accept that.
14) Allow yourself to miss the other one.
15) No pressure, do not constantly ask how we feel about the relationship.

I wanted her to add a couple on there, and will be asking her to do this before the 1st September, this will

And now the waiting game begins

Sent a text and email for the room that I wanted today. Got a message back saying they would make their decision over who they wanted to move in over the weekend and let me know. Fingers crossed that I get it.

Viewing Flats

Last night was pretty fun. Spent most of the night travelling through Glasgow viewing flats. I have decided that I want to live in the West end of Glasgow, as it's good transport links.

So, the first one is 10 minutes away from 2 Subway stations, Hillhead and Kelvinbridge. The room itself was HUGE, High ceilings, and bigger then my current living room. Met one of the potential Flatmates, a lovely little girl called Janet, and enjoyed meeting her. The landlord lives on the same street and seems like a pretty good guy. S was with me, I hate having to introduce her as my "friend" but those are the things that happen.

Second flat I wasn't so impressed with, the room was tiny. It was a little bit cheaper then what I would have been paying at the previous address, but the room was too small for me. The Flat mates were top notch though, but already decided that I wouldn't be taking it, I feel that I will need somewhere where I can get privacy, and this isn't the place for that.

Bleh, S is away to her mums for a couple of days over the weekend. I have convinced myself that she wont actually be there for as long as she says she will, think that she will find a way to get out and see G tonight or tomorrow. Want to believe her when she says she isn't talking to him outside of work, but she has already lied to me twice about where she is going, and what she is going to do, so I just can't believe her this time, no matter how hard I try :(

Yeah

So, over the last few weeks I have constantly been thinking and talking about what's going on between me and S, and I'm starting to exhaust myself with this. This is why I have started this blog, if I can write down how I feel, then at least I am putting it out there for people to read.

I know that no-one will ever read this blog anyway, it's just another random dude on the internet trying to work himself out, but if I can at least feel that I am venting somewhere, then I hope I can sort my head out and move on from this.

What's funny to me, is that the first post was very cathartic to write. It's a big one, it makes little sense and I know that I have skipped some of the bad things that I have done as well, but at least it's out there now. If it feels that good to talk openly about it, and not worry about the answer, then maybe I should just go with this, and keep this more as a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings.

To expand on something I said earlier. I feel like I am the one fighting for this relationship, and I have felt that since the day that I found out what was going on, I have been the only one doing this. Maybe I should stop fighting, and let her go out and do whatever it is that she wants to do. If she comes back to me after that, then maybe we have something worth fighting for.

I just don't want to feel that the last 9 years of my life have been wasted. I really did want to Marry this Woman, and be a parent with her, and I just feel like I have lost that chance now.