This has not been a good weekend.
On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.
I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.
It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.
I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.
We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.
On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one. I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.
I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.
She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.
Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.
So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.
I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.
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