Yeah

So, over the last few weeks I have constantly been thinking and talking about what's going on between me and S, and I'm starting to exhaust myself with this. This is why I have started this blog, if I can write down how I feel, then at least I am putting it out there for people to read.

I know that no-one will ever read this blog anyway, it's just another random dude on the internet trying to work himself out, but if I can at least feel that I am venting somewhere, then I hope I can sort my head out and move on from this.

What's funny to me, is that the first post was very cathartic to write. It's a big one, it makes little sense and I know that I have skipped some of the bad things that I have done as well, but at least it's out there now. If it feels that good to talk openly about it, and not worry about the answer, then maybe I should just go with this, and keep this more as a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings.

To expand on something I said earlier. I feel like I am the one fighting for this relationship, and I have felt that since the day that I found out what was going on, I have been the only one doing this. Maybe I should stop fighting, and let her go out and do whatever it is that she wants to do. If she comes back to me after that, then maybe we have something worth fighting for.

I just don't want to feel that the last 9 years of my life have been wasted. I really did want to Marry this Woman, and be a parent with her, and I just feel like I have lost that chance now.