I honestly don't know

Yep.

As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.

I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.

I just don't know.

I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.

I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.

I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.

I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.

Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.

I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.

I'm a dick.