Dreams

I am having a recurring dream at the moment. It's the same one every time but the details will change a little, but it's always the same in the main part.


I'm lying in bed with S, and she tells me that she want's to be with me, and that she has made a terrible mistake. And I feel so happy when she says those words that I instantly feel happy.

Meh. I honestly don't know why, in my head I have accepted this, but I suppose a part of me will always want that to happen.

I hate my emotions.

The last week things have been feeling like they were getting easier, I have been sleeping, I have went out with people to make sure I am not getting stuck in the house all of the time, and I have been doing whatever I can to keep my mind of everything that's been going on.

Then this morning, whilst I was playing Borderlands, out of fucking nowhere, a thought popped into my head and boom! I am in tears. Not a bad episode by all means, but it's really set me up for the rest of the day.

I feel so lonely right now, I just want to reach out and talk to someone, anyone about nothing and everything, and I just can't. I am getting friends sorted just fine, and they are becoming real friends, and not just people that I talk to at work or whatever, but I just don't have that person in my life right now who I can sit and talk shite to for hours and just while away the day.

I'm more upset about the lonleness right now then anything else.

Ugh

Moving on.

It's hard when every great memory you have is of the person that you can no longer be with. That's been bothering me today.

I went out for Coffee with a friend I hadn't seen for years yesterday and we sat and talked shite for a couple of hours, and it was good, it was fun and neither of us spoke directly about the situation that I had found myself in. But every story, every anecdote and every memory either directly or indirectly involved S.

*sigh*

A mission statement of sorts

I need to summon the strength from somewhere to put this sorry chapter of my life behind me and move on. I am done with the not sleeping, I'm done with the tears, I'm done asking questions and getting no answers. I just want to feel like myself again, find someone who makes me happy and who in turn, I can make happy. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Maybe I'm a little damaged right now, when you say goodbye to what WAS your life for 9 years there is no other way you will feel, no matter what side of the emotional wringer you have come out of. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept and move on. If it was really meant to be then the things that happened would not have happened and we would still be together.

My life has been empty these last few weeks as I have kept myself out of it. I haven't been living, just exisisting in this weird place where the only thing that I have to fill my days are Work and Videogames. Today that changes. Maybe not totally, but I will start to live my life like it was mine once more, and do the things that I have always wanted to, and have the things that I have wanted. If I get sad along the way, then I will embrace that sadness, but I will not dwell on it. I will use it to focus on more than just being sad. Put it into writing, playing guitar, designing my website. ANYTHING.

I will embrace the friends that I have, both old and new, I will reconnect with the people that I loved when I was younger, and I will survive. At the end of all of this, I will be a better person, both physically and emotionally, and I will learn that the lessons worth learning in life are the ones that have huge mistakes attached to them.

To S, I will always love you, with all of my heart and soul, but you have made your choice here and I will have to accept it. Even if it turns out that you made the wrong one, you will need to have the strength and will to own up to the mistakes you have made and the lies that you have told.  We will never be together again, It's not something I ever wanted to admit, but the hurt is too deep from me, and the mistrust from you is even deeper. But somewhere down the line, maybe in 6 months, maybe a year, but sometime soon, we will remember what bought us into each others lifes, and why we were together so long, and remember that promise we made to each other years ago, that no matter what happens, we would always be friends. This is why I have not simply walked away from you and let you struggle on your own with a flat you can barely afford, or the clean up of my years of absolout sloth(something, that despite your best protests to the contrary, you too have been as guilty of as me). But these are all mistakes that are in the past, and that is where they will stay I just hope that you get the Joy and hapiness that you desrve.

I have made mistakes, I know that. And I don't place any blame on you for the reason that we ended. What I do blame you for, and I blame him for, is the the WAY the relationship ended. If you truley loved me you would have told me when there was a problem and what you actually wanted from me.  I would have done that for you. I tried to do that for you, when you started to drift I tried to get you to talk, but it felt that by that time you were already too far gone for me to ever get back.

To my friends, old and new. I am ready to live my life again, help me live as a man in my posisition should, get out there, meet new people and make new friends and become a better man all round. These are the things that I want right.

To my family, I love you all. Every single last one of you. Over the last 2 months you have shown me more support and love then I have ever felt that I deserved, and for that I am truley happy. You have made me realise just how much I have taken all of you for granted and I promise that I will never do that to you again. I have missed all of my nephews and neices growing up, and I will never forgive myself for this.

No Contact

I decided that I need to break absolutely all contact with S for a little while. It's nothing personal to her, but I need to properly have the space and time that I need to feel better.

I realized that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't been living, I have simply been existing, and I have started to feel worse and worse because of it. I need to go and start living my life again, and filling my time with the things that I want to do, rather then moping about and pretending to myself that it will all work out fine in the end.

I went to her's last night and pretty much told her this, that I need to start living my life again, and that I need to start letting her live hers. She understood, I stayed the night(slept on the couch), and left this morning, and i have felt great today. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My plans for the next few months haven't changed, I still intend on joining the Gym next month, I still intend on getting my drivers license. But I will be doing these things for me, and no one else.

I still wish I had someone to share my life with, but I know in my heart that right now, I can't have anyone because I will break their heart, I made that mistake before and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I REALLY identify with this song...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

I have a question.

This is something that's been bothering me for the last couple of days, through conversations with friends, family and people outside the situation.

But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?

"It will get better in time"

I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.

I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.

12 Days later

It's been 12 days since S and I officially broken up. In that time I have seen her about 4 times and everytime that I do, I feel great that she wants to see me, and crap that it has to end.

I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.

I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.

I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.

We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.

I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.

What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.

I think i'm paranoid...

Well. Here's the thing.

I think that my paranoia, from the initial finding out about what was going on 2 months ago, to turning up at her door and essentially catching her with him last week, has contributed a lot to what's going on.

I have done some things that I promised myself I would never do. I have snooped, I have collected information online to try and find out what's going on, I have accessed email accounts that weren't mine, read messages that were not for my eyes and seen pictures that I didn't want to see. All of this is persuit of "THE TRUTH".

But how much of that made things worse? What would have happened if I told her that I found out, and believed her when she told me that it was a one off thing that would never happen again? What would have happened if I just lay back and accepted that explanation?  Would we have come out the other side happier, having seen the problems present in the relationship and started to work on them and get everything back on track? Or would it have got worse because she thought I was happy with the explanation.

I honestly don't know, We both should have handled this differently and done more to fix the problems then try to find something to blame the other person for.

The funny part is, I have tried to get angry about what happened last Wednesday. I was initially furious, but when I think about it now, it's not the sex that bothers me. We are human, and Sex is a primal urge, if 2 people are going through a similar situation it's sometimes the logical conclusion. I have never seen sex as the be all and end all of a relationship anyway, it's a by product for sure, but not the reason that you stay with someone. When someone cheats in that way, it's more an indication of bigger problems then the actual problem, and focusing on that part of the affair puts everything else out of focus.

It's maybe a little too late to have realized that.

*hums*

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

The Plan

So, with my Relationship and current life in tatters, I feel that it's time to make a plan for the next year to get myself back in "the game" so to speak.

It's no secret that I have a lot of issues in myself around self confidence and my looks, I'm not an amazingly attractive man and it's something that I have come to accept about myself and not anything I can really change.

However, I have let myself go a bit.

I have weighed nearly 20stones for a good 5 years. I'm not a small man by any means(I'm quite tall, 6 ft 4) and I am big built so I don't look too bad, but I need to start thinking about these sort of things.

So, here is the plan as it stands at the moment.

1) Join a Gym. There are 2 reasons for this, a) My Weight, which I intend to bring down to a more healthy 14 or 15 stone. But also, b) An outlet, something to get me out of the house and doing something other then playing the xbox, or staring idly at facebook, waiting for her to call or text me.

2) Get my teeth fixed. A source of frustration for S, and somewhat for me as well, as the state of my teeth has led me to the Dental hospital 3 times in the past 4 years. This is going to require that I get a loan to do this, as I fear there is a lot of work to do, however, due to a rather nice policy from my work, I should get most of this money back to go into my third part of the plan.

3) Finish my Driving lessons and actually learn how to drive.

4) Clear my overdraft. In all honesty, I should have done this years ago, and started doing it 2 months ago, but being £2300 in the red with the bank for so long has not been one of my proudest moments.

5) Get out more. I have a very small social circle and haven't done much to extend this in the last few years. This is something I need to change, as I have no desire to be "that guy" who stands at bars trying to buy random women drinks in the hope they will talk to me.

6) Hardest part, stop thinking about all the things that I should have done. I know where it went wrong, I can proportion the parts of the blame at my own feet, some at hers and some at his. I know it takes more then one person to totally screw something this badly.

7) When I feel ready, start thinking about moving on, get into something casual and not to serious with someone. I am a social creature at heart, and I need some sort of companionship to feel happy, but after 9 years I don't want to end up falling head over heals for someone again.

8) See my family more. A huge regret and something I really intend on thinking. My Oldest brother had a little boy 2 years ago, and I have never seen him.

9) Heal

Rough with the smooth.

I had what can only be described as a little bit of a revelation at the weekend.

I went to see my mum on Saturday, decided that sitting in the flat on my own would have been the worst Idea, so got out and seen some family for a while. Seen my Mum, spoke to her about what's happened. She is understandably quite gutted, but I didn't go into the full details about it.

Anyway, trip out the house, back to my Sisters and I was sitting watching the tennis, fighting off my Sisters 3 youngest as they climbed be like some monkey bars, and I realised a couple of things.

I would never have kids with her.

I had to get out of there, went out into the back garden and I just burst into tears. It's a hard thought to take because I genuinely wanted that, and now it's never going to happen.

The other part I realised was that I wasn't just losing my partner and the woman that I loved, I was also losing my best friend, and that was the single hardest thing for me to take. I have known S since I was 17 years old in some capacity, either as a Pen pal, or friends or otherwise, to think that I am going to lose her from my life after all these years is killing me.

Right

So. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

I moved out of "our" flat on Tuesday, and it officially became "Her Flat" have the keys back and then went for a couple of drinks together. Tried to have a nice night, left her on the train at half 11 and went home and to my new life as a single man.

Wednesday rolled around, and all day, emails, nicey nicey, asking how my day was, if I was settling in ok, but also giving more information then I think she intended to. She has never been very good at lying, and when things change at the drop of a hat, it starts to get my suspicion glands going.  At 6pm all that commenced was complete, and utter, radio silence. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing. I tried to call her to see if she was ok, and her phone was off.

So I did the most monumentally stupidest thing that I could have done. I grabbed my keys, left my flat, jumped on the train and went to hers.

I don't know what I expected to find, that she was genuinely in bed and asleep after feeling ill all day, or that she wasn't in at all, and I would catch her on her way back from wherever she was, I don't know.

What I did find, both broke my heart, and killed any thought that I could have saved this at all.

I managed to get into the flat after about half an hour, I buzzed the entry buzzer a couple of times, and tried to call her, but they both went unanswered. When I saw one of the negighbours come out for a smoke, I took my chance and got it, went up the stairs. I could hear voices, not a voice, but voices coming from inside the flat, so I peeked through the letter box, just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom, what had been until 24 hours before, OUR bedroom.

I didn't do anything, not immediatly. Instead I went outside and let my initial anger simmer off, but I fired off a text message telling her we needed to talk, NOW. After half an hour, and no reply, I decided to confront it head on, and went back, got back into the flat and got myself in by ringing the doorbell until she answered the door. She pushed me into the room and got him out of the flat. And then the fight began.

I don't know what I was expecting. I thought that things that she had told me over the past few weeks had been true, that she did still love me and wanted time and space to figure out what she wanted. The first thing she said to me when he was gone. "WE ARE BROKEN UP". Cheers. You made that clear.

Spent yesterday in a bit of a daze if I'm honest. Decided to keep emails civil but off the matter of what had happened, but I know that this is over now, In my heart I know that I can't forgive her for what she had done, and how she had made me feel like this is all my fault.

So, yeah, not a great first week away, but nothing that I wasn't really expecting anyway.

What do you do when you have tried everything?

That's a question I have been asking myself today.

The answer.

Stop trying

Another song I think

You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...

Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

I honestly don't know

Yep.

As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.

I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.

I just don't know.

I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.

I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.

I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.

I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.

Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.

I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.

I'm a dick.

Not feeling it today

Today has been a write off from the second that I woke up until now, just before I am going to bed.

I want S to admit what is going on, I know there is something more then what she is telling me, all the secrets and all the lies she has told me point directly at that. I need her honesty now more than ever. I don't want to go through the next two months wondering if she is with him, or what she is doing.

I know that I will never get the truth from her though, it's like she is incapable of it.

But I know her too well, I know what she is like. She won't want to be single, she hasn't been for at least 10 years and nearly 9 of those were with me.

UGH!

Pfffffftttt

What can I say really.

She doesn't want me in her life, I don't want to be around her.

Told her today that when I move out then I will be totally gone from her life, S deserves better than this, if she was happy with me, then she would have fought it. I need to move on and let her be happy. I need to be happy.

Moods are up and down right now, sometimes I am quite high and happy, other times I feel like I have hit the bottom and have no way of getting back up. Don't know what the next couple of months will bring, but I can only try and look on the bright side now.

So, I think I know where this is going

This has not been a good weekend.

On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.

I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.

It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.

I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.

We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.

On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one.  I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.

She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.

Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.

So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.

I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.

Oh Well

Well.

That's over then.

I have just fucked up the last 9 years of my life, and I feel like shit for doing it.

GO ME!