i've made a huge mistake

Been a while since I've posted, and there is a good reason.

I did the classic thing of getting into a relationship too soon, after a few weeks I went to see my brother in Norwich. That weekend made me realise that i need to do something different with my life.

So, last week i made the decision to end it before it got any further. Big mistake, spennt moat of Sunday trying to explain why i felt the way i did, and why i needed to go. What happened next was my worst nightmare. And now i feel like i am trapped in a relationship that i don't want to be in.

I haven't slept in nearly a week because my head is swimming, and i know if i don't do something soon then i am going to have some sort of breakdown, but i have no idea what i xacan do.

Help!!

Dreams

I am having a recurring dream at the moment. It's the same one every time but the details will change a little, but it's always the same in the main part.


I'm lying in bed with S, and she tells me that she want's to be with me, and that she has made a terrible mistake. And I feel so happy when she says those words that I instantly feel happy.

Meh. I honestly don't know why, in my head I have accepted this, but I suppose a part of me will always want that to happen.

I hate my emotions.

The last week things have been feeling like they were getting easier, I have been sleeping, I have went out with people to make sure I am not getting stuck in the house all of the time, and I have been doing whatever I can to keep my mind of everything that's been going on.

Then this morning, whilst I was playing Borderlands, out of fucking nowhere, a thought popped into my head and boom! I am in tears. Not a bad episode by all means, but it's really set me up for the rest of the day.

I feel so lonely right now, I just want to reach out and talk to someone, anyone about nothing and everything, and I just can't. I am getting friends sorted just fine, and they are becoming real friends, and not just people that I talk to at work or whatever, but I just don't have that person in my life right now who I can sit and talk shite to for hours and just while away the day.

I'm more upset about the lonleness right now then anything else.

Ugh

Moving on.

It's hard when every great memory you have is of the person that you can no longer be with. That's been bothering me today.

I went out for Coffee with a friend I hadn't seen for years yesterday and we sat and talked shite for a couple of hours, and it was good, it was fun and neither of us spoke directly about the situation that I had found myself in. But every story, every anecdote and every memory either directly or indirectly involved S.

*sigh*

A mission statement of sorts

I need to summon the strength from somewhere to put this sorry chapter of my life behind me and move on. I am done with the not sleeping, I'm done with the tears, I'm done asking questions and getting no answers. I just want to feel like myself again, find someone who makes me happy and who in turn, I can make happy. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Maybe I'm a little damaged right now, when you say goodbye to what WAS your life for 9 years there is no other way you will feel, no matter what side of the emotional wringer you have come out of. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept and move on. If it was really meant to be then the things that happened would not have happened and we would still be together.

My life has been empty these last few weeks as I have kept myself out of it. I haven't been living, just exisisting in this weird place where the only thing that I have to fill my days are Work and Videogames. Today that changes. Maybe not totally, but I will start to live my life like it was mine once more, and do the things that I have always wanted to, and have the things that I have wanted. If I get sad along the way, then I will embrace that sadness, but I will not dwell on it. I will use it to focus on more than just being sad. Put it into writing, playing guitar, designing my website. ANYTHING.

I will embrace the friends that I have, both old and new, I will reconnect with the people that I loved when I was younger, and I will survive. At the end of all of this, I will be a better person, both physically and emotionally, and I will learn that the lessons worth learning in life are the ones that have huge mistakes attached to them.

To S, I will always love you, with all of my heart and soul, but you have made your choice here and I will have to accept it. Even if it turns out that you made the wrong one, you will need to have the strength and will to own up to the mistakes you have made and the lies that you have told.  We will never be together again, It's not something I ever wanted to admit, but the hurt is too deep from me, and the mistrust from you is even deeper. But somewhere down the line, maybe in 6 months, maybe a year, but sometime soon, we will remember what bought us into each others lifes, and why we were together so long, and remember that promise we made to each other years ago, that no matter what happens, we would always be friends. This is why I have not simply walked away from you and let you struggle on your own with a flat you can barely afford, or the clean up of my years of absolout sloth(something, that despite your best protests to the contrary, you too have been as guilty of as me). But these are all mistakes that are in the past, and that is where they will stay I just hope that you get the Joy and hapiness that you desrve.

I have made mistakes, I know that. And I don't place any blame on you for the reason that we ended. What I do blame you for, and I blame him for, is the the WAY the relationship ended. If you truley loved me you would have told me when there was a problem and what you actually wanted from me.  I would have done that for you. I tried to do that for you, when you started to drift I tried to get you to talk, but it felt that by that time you were already too far gone for me to ever get back.

To my friends, old and new. I am ready to live my life again, help me live as a man in my posisition should, get out there, meet new people and make new friends and become a better man all round. These are the things that I want right.

To my family, I love you all. Every single last one of you. Over the last 2 months you have shown me more support and love then I have ever felt that I deserved, and for that I am truley happy. You have made me realise just how much I have taken all of you for granted and I promise that I will never do that to you again. I have missed all of my nephews and neices growing up, and I will never forgive myself for this.

No Contact

I decided that I need to break absolutely all contact with S for a little while. It's nothing personal to her, but I need to properly have the space and time that I need to feel better.

I realized that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't been living, I have simply been existing, and I have started to feel worse and worse because of it. I need to go and start living my life again, and filling my time with the things that I want to do, rather then moping about and pretending to myself that it will all work out fine in the end.

I went to her's last night and pretty much told her this, that I need to start living my life again, and that I need to start letting her live hers. She understood, I stayed the night(slept on the couch), and left this morning, and i have felt great today. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My plans for the next few months haven't changed, I still intend on joining the Gym next month, I still intend on getting my drivers license. But I will be doing these things for me, and no one else.

I still wish I had someone to share my life with, but I know in my heart that right now, I can't have anyone because I will break their heart, I made that mistake before and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I REALLY identify with this song...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

I have a question.

This is something that's been bothering me for the last couple of days, through conversations with friends, family and people outside the situation.

But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?

"It will get better in time"

I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.

I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.

12 Days later

It's been 12 days since S and I officially broken up. In that time I have seen her about 4 times and everytime that I do, I feel great that she wants to see me, and crap that it has to end.

I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.

I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.

I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.

We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.

I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.

What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.

I think i'm paranoid...

Well. Here's the thing.

I think that my paranoia, from the initial finding out about what was going on 2 months ago, to turning up at her door and essentially catching her with him last week, has contributed a lot to what's going on.

I have done some things that I promised myself I would never do. I have snooped, I have collected information online to try and find out what's going on, I have accessed email accounts that weren't mine, read messages that were not for my eyes and seen pictures that I didn't want to see. All of this is persuit of "THE TRUTH".

But how much of that made things worse? What would have happened if I told her that I found out, and believed her when she told me that it was a one off thing that would never happen again? What would have happened if I just lay back and accepted that explanation?  Would we have come out the other side happier, having seen the problems present in the relationship and started to work on them and get everything back on track? Or would it have got worse because she thought I was happy with the explanation.

I honestly don't know, We both should have handled this differently and done more to fix the problems then try to find something to blame the other person for.

The funny part is, I have tried to get angry about what happened last Wednesday. I was initially furious, but when I think about it now, it's not the sex that bothers me. We are human, and Sex is a primal urge, if 2 people are going through a similar situation it's sometimes the logical conclusion. I have never seen sex as the be all and end all of a relationship anyway, it's a by product for sure, but not the reason that you stay with someone. When someone cheats in that way, it's more an indication of bigger problems then the actual problem, and focusing on that part of the affair puts everything else out of focus.

It's maybe a little too late to have realized that.

*hums*

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

The Plan

So, with my Relationship and current life in tatters, I feel that it's time to make a plan for the next year to get myself back in "the game" so to speak.

It's no secret that I have a lot of issues in myself around self confidence and my looks, I'm not an amazingly attractive man and it's something that I have come to accept about myself and not anything I can really change.

However, I have let myself go a bit.

I have weighed nearly 20stones for a good 5 years. I'm not a small man by any means(I'm quite tall, 6 ft 4) and I am big built so I don't look too bad, but I need to start thinking about these sort of things.

So, here is the plan as it stands at the moment.

1) Join a Gym. There are 2 reasons for this, a) My Weight, which I intend to bring down to a more healthy 14 or 15 stone. But also, b) An outlet, something to get me out of the house and doing something other then playing the xbox, or staring idly at facebook, waiting for her to call or text me.

2) Get my teeth fixed. A source of frustration for S, and somewhat for me as well, as the state of my teeth has led me to the Dental hospital 3 times in the past 4 years. This is going to require that I get a loan to do this, as I fear there is a lot of work to do, however, due to a rather nice policy from my work, I should get most of this money back to go into my third part of the plan.

3) Finish my Driving lessons and actually learn how to drive.

4) Clear my overdraft. In all honesty, I should have done this years ago, and started doing it 2 months ago, but being £2300 in the red with the bank for so long has not been one of my proudest moments.

5) Get out more. I have a very small social circle and haven't done much to extend this in the last few years. This is something I need to change, as I have no desire to be "that guy" who stands at bars trying to buy random women drinks in the hope they will talk to me.

6) Hardest part, stop thinking about all the things that I should have done. I know where it went wrong, I can proportion the parts of the blame at my own feet, some at hers and some at his. I know it takes more then one person to totally screw something this badly.

7) When I feel ready, start thinking about moving on, get into something casual and not to serious with someone. I am a social creature at heart, and I need some sort of companionship to feel happy, but after 9 years I don't want to end up falling head over heals for someone again.

8) See my family more. A huge regret and something I really intend on thinking. My Oldest brother had a little boy 2 years ago, and I have never seen him.

9) Heal

Rough with the smooth.

I had what can only be described as a little bit of a revelation at the weekend.

I went to see my mum on Saturday, decided that sitting in the flat on my own would have been the worst Idea, so got out and seen some family for a while. Seen my Mum, spoke to her about what's happened. She is understandably quite gutted, but I didn't go into the full details about it.

Anyway, trip out the house, back to my Sisters and I was sitting watching the tennis, fighting off my Sisters 3 youngest as they climbed be like some monkey bars, and I realised a couple of things.

I would never have kids with her.

I had to get out of there, went out into the back garden and I just burst into tears. It's a hard thought to take because I genuinely wanted that, and now it's never going to happen.

The other part I realised was that I wasn't just losing my partner and the woman that I loved, I was also losing my best friend, and that was the single hardest thing for me to take. I have known S since I was 17 years old in some capacity, either as a Pen pal, or friends or otherwise, to think that I am going to lose her from my life after all these years is killing me.

Right

So. It's been an interesting week to say the least.

I moved out of "our" flat on Tuesday, and it officially became "Her Flat" have the keys back and then went for a couple of drinks together. Tried to have a nice night, left her on the train at half 11 and went home and to my new life as a single man.

Wednesday rolled around, and all day, emails, nicey nicey, asking how my day was, if I was settling in ok, but also giving more information then I think she intended to. She has never been very good at lying, and when things change at the drop of a hat, it starts to get my suspicion glands going.  At 6pm all that commenced was complete, and utter, radio silence. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing. I tried to call her to see if she was ok, and her phone was off.

So I did the most monumentally stupidest thing that I could have done. I grabbed my keys, left my flat, jumped on the train and went to hers.

I don't know what I expected to find, that she was genuinely in bed and asleep after feeling ill all day, or that she wasn't in at all, and I would catch her on her way back from wherever she was, I don't know.

What I did find, both broke my heart, and killed any thought that I could have saved this at all.

I managed to get into the flat after about half an hour, I buzzed the entry buzzer a couple of times, and tried to call her, but they both went unanswered. When I saw one of the negighbours come out for a smoke, I took my chance and got it, went up the stairs. I could hear voices, not a voice, but voices coming from inside the flat, so I peeked through the letter box, just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom, what had been until 24 hours before, OUR bedroom.

I didn't do anything, not immediatly. Instead I went outside and let my initial anger simmer off, but I fired off a text message telling her we needed to talk, NOW. After half an hour, and no reply, I decided to confront it head on, and went back, got back into the flat and got myself in by ringing the doorbell until she answered the door. She pushed me into the room and got him out of the flat. And then the fight began.

I don't know what I was expecting. I thought that things that she had told me over the past few weeks had been true, that she did still love me and wanted time and space to figure out what she wanted. The first thing she said to me when he was gone. "WE ARE BROKEN UP". Cheers. You made that clear.

Spent yesterday in a bit of a daze if I'm honest. Decided to keep emails civil but off the matter of what had happened, but I know that this is over now, In my heart I know that I can't forgive her for what she had done, and how she had made me feel like this is all my fault.

So, yeah, not a great first week away, but nothing that I wasn't really expecting anyway.

What do you do when you have tried everything?

That's a question I have been asking myself today.

The answer.

Stop trying

Another song I think

You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why

'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...

Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror

I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time

When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard

I honestly don't know

Yep.

As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.

I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.

I just don't know.

I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.

I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.

I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.

I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.

Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.

I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.

I'm a dick.

Not feeling it today

Today has been a write off from the second that I woke up until now, just before I am going to bed.

I want S to admit what is going on, I know there is something more then what she is telling me, all the secrets and all the lies she has told me point directly at that. I need her honesty now more than ever. I don't want to go through the next two months wondering if she is with him, or what she is doing.

I know that I will never get the truth from her though, it's like she is incapable of it.

But I know her too well, I know what she is like. She won't want to be single, she hasn't been for at least 10 years and nearly 9 of those were with me.

UGH!

Pfffffftttt

What can I say really.

She doesn't want me in her life, I don't want to be around her.

Told her today that when I move out then I will be totally gone from her life, S deserves better than this, if she was happy with me, then she would have fought it. I need to move on and let her be happy. I need to be happy.

Moods are up and down right now, sometimes I am quite high and happy, other times I feel like I have hit the bottom and have no way of getting back up. Don't know what the next couple of months will bring, but I can only try and look on the bright side now.

So, I think I know where this is going

This has not been a good weekend.

On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.

I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.

It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.

I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.

We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.

On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one.  I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.

I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.

She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.

Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.

So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.

I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.

Oh Well

Well.

That's over then.

I have just fucked up the last 9 years of my life, and I feel like shit for doing it.

GO ME!

The rules of Seperation

Ok, so I have been trying to think about the "Rules" for this trial seperation, and how we are going to handle it. I have spoken with S about this as well, and as usual she listened, didn't talk, so I don't know how much she took in, or agreed with.

So, here are the rules as they stand at the moment.

1) This will last a minimum of 2 months.
2) After I have moved out on the 1st September, I am to leave S alone for a week to allow her some time and space to think. During this time I am not to contact her to ask any questions around the status of the relationship.
3) We are to commit to seeing each other at least once per week. Days to be decided at the time
4) If a Random hook up does occur at any point, then we are not to let the other person know.
5) Privacy will be respected by both parties
6) Sex(with each other) is still permitted, although not expected at every meeting, or to be used as a weapon
7) If she does decide that she want's to start Seeing G during this time, then the separation is over, and we will become single.
8) After the initial 2 month period, a discussion will take place to decide whether or not we want to continue with the separation, and the relationship is salvagable. If it is decided at that point to continue All previous rules stand.
9) If we decide after the initial 2 months to continue working on the relationship, then we will have a further 4 months from that point to decide whether or not to become a fully fledged couple.
10) Both parties are to go out with friends during this time.
11) One person is not to continue with the seperation, if the only reason they are doing so is to make the other person feel better.
12) Be available to talk whenever possible, but never blow off any pre-arranged plans to do so.
13) An extension to 12, never be too needy for attention, if someone doesn't want to talk, then you must accept that.
14) Allow yourself to miss the other one.
15) No pressure, do not constantly ask how we feel about the relationship.

I wanted her to add a couple on there, and will be asking her to do this before the 1st September, this will

And now the waiting game begins

Sent a text and email for the room that I wanted today. Got a message back saying they would make their decision over who they wanted to move in over the weekend and let me know. Fingers crossed that I get it.

Viewing Flats

Last night was pretty fun. Spent most of the night travelling through Glasgow viewing flats. I have decided that I want to live in the West end of Glasgow, as it's good transport links.

So, the first one is 10 minutes away from 2 Subway stations, Hillhead and Kelvinbridge. The room itself was HUGE, High ceilings, and bigger then my current living room. Met one of the potential Flatmates, a lovely little girl called Janet, and enjoyed meeting her. The landlord lives on the same street and seems like a pretty good guy. S was with me, I hate having to introduce her as my "friend" but those are the things that happen.

Second flat I wasn't so impressed with, the room was tiny. It was a little bit cheaper then what I would have been paying at the previous address, but the room was too small for me. The Flat mates were top notch though, but already decided that I wouldn't be taking it, I feel that I will need somewhere where I can get privacy, and this isn't the place for that.

Bleh, S is away to her mums for a couple of days over the weekend. I have convinced myself that she wont actually be there for as long as she says she will, think that she will find a way to get out and see G tonight or tomorrow. Want to believe her when she says she isn't talking to him outside of work, but she has already lied to me twice about where she is going, and what she is going to do, so I just can't believe her this time, no matter how hard I try :(

Yeah

So, over the last few weeks I have constantly been thinking and talking about what's going on between me and S, and I'm starting to exhaust myself with this. This is why I have started this blog, if I can write down how I feel, then at least I am putting it out there for people to read.

I know that no-one will ever read this blog anyway, it's just another random dude on the internet trying to work himself out, but if I can at least feel that I am venting somewhere, then I hope I can sort my head out and move on from this.

What's funny to me, is that the first post was very cathartic to write. It's a big one, it makes little sense and I know that I have skipped some of the bad things that I have done as well, but at least it's out there now. If it feels that good to talk openly about it, and not worry about the answer, then maybe I should just go with this, and keep this more as a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings.

To expand on something I said earlier. I feel like I am the one fighting for this relationship, and I have felt that since the day that I found out what was going on, I have been the only one doing this. Maybe I should stop fighting, and let her go out and do whatever it is that she wants to do. If she comes back to me after that, then maybe we have something worth fighting for.

I just don't want to feel that the last 9 years of my life have been wasted. I really did want to Marry this Woman, and be a parent with her, and I just feel like I have lost that chance now.

Song of the day

So, this song is really just about how I feel about S right now. I know that I can't let her leave my life, even if that means that I have to let her go and be happy with someone else. I sent this to her last night, didn't get a reaction from her. Suppose I should stop trying. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn1RwwcfqJ4

Close your eyes, 
And just hear me sing, 
One last long goodbye, 
One last song before you spread your wings.

There's so much left to say, 
And before this moment slips away

What a wonderful life, 
For as long as you've been at my side, 
And I want you to know, 
I loved you so

The cold night calls, 
And the tears fall like rain, 
It's so hard letting go, 
Of the one thing I'll never replace

And soon you will be gone, 
But these words, they will live on

What a wonderful life, 
For as long as you've been at my side, 
And I want you to know, 
I'll miss you so, 
And though our days come to an end, 
No, I'll never love like this again, 
What a wonderful life my friend

All that I am, 
You let me be, 
I will remember you, 
For all that you've done, 
And given to me

Love will remain, 
This I can see, 
Now and forever more
Because of you, 
Now I believe
I believe

What a wonderful life, 
For as long as you've been at my side, 
And I want you to know, 
I loved you so

What a wonderful life, 
For as long as you've been at my side, 
And I want you to know, 
I'll miss you so, 
And though our days come to an end, 
No, I'll never love like this again, 
What a wonderful life
A wonderful life
What a wonderful life
What a wonderful life

And with one last embrace
As the tears fall like rain you're gone
And with one last goodbye, 
As you fade out tonight, you're gone.

So, now you know the story so far...

So, with the main post done here goes everything.

Today I have 2 flat viewings in Glasgow, S is coming along with me to see them and give me opinions about whether or not I should take it. I already viewed one on Monday, but decided against taking it, as it was far too close to where she works

So these 2 are on the opposite side of Glasgow, in the west end. Not too far from my work, but not too close as to be never away from it, found out one is being rented by a friend of a friend as well, so that should be interesting.

I don't want to do this tonight, but I know that I have to. Every time I say to myself I am just going to let things go and stop trying to get her to talk, I go ahead and say something stupid. Last night, after lying in bed for nearly an hour, I just blurted out "I think we should split up, not separate".

This is becoming one of the biggest problems right now. I feel like she just doesn't want to deal with the main issues right now, or talk about what's going on, and I just want to know everything that has happened, or is going to happen between her and G. She can't promise that she wont persue anything with him while we are separated  and this just makes me think that she is already planning to.

I have signed up for a couple of dating sites, but not put a picture up at the moment, I don't feel like I am ready to really start looking at other people right now, I guess, in a weird way, I want her to find the profiles and get angry at me for looking whilst we are still "together".

A small part of me wants to really hurt her, as much as she has hurt me, but I just can't do it, because I know that I would lose her completely from my life :(

Well, here it goes.

So they say you should start a blog and go through the situation that your trying to convey.

Well, here goes.

I'm 29 years old, I live in Glasgow and as of about 6 days ago, I have been in the process of separating with my girlfriend of the last 9 years, and being the one who just does not want this to happen.

There's a whole back story to this, which goes back a good few years. I haven't been perfect and I know the mistakes that I have made, but I never once meant for her to get upset enough with me that she could no longer see a future for us.

So, here is the Story. I met my partner(who we will call S for the sake of not putting too many personal details here) through the Penpal section of Rocksound Magazine. I was around 16 at the time we started writing to each other. In the time we were we both had relationships, I went out with, and had my heart broken by a girl that I met. But during that time we continued to write to each other. After a couple of years we finally decided to meet in person for the first time. We went to a gig(Taproot at the Glasgow Garage, I am sure of that) and had a great time, she was in a relationship at the time, but as soon as I met her, I knew she was the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She was funny, confident, beautiful and always good for having a conversation with.

We started hanging out more and more as the months went on, I would find gigs that we could both go to, and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. During this time, the girl who broke my heart was still in the background of my life. Making sure that I knew she was having so much fun without me. My feelings about her never truley went away for a couple of years, but I was having fun with who I felt was my best friend.

Anyway, to skip the boring part, S and I stopped being just penpals, and become close friends, we would spend weekends in the Pub, talk to each other on the phone and generally text each other nonsense to cheer each other up.

February 2004 when everything changed for us. The 27th to be precise. We went to see the Ataris in the Barrowlands, we had the most amazing time at the gig, lost our old T-shirts when we bought new ones, went to the Cathouse. I ended up missing my bus, and dropping a Pizza. It was already 3 in the morning, and she decided that she would stay with me at the bus station until my first bus came 4 hours later. This is the night we first kissed, she pushed me against a wall and kissed me with such passion, that it still makes me smile today to think about it. After that, we spent the rest of the night just kissing and talking.

It wouldn't be until 4 weeks later, after she had split up with her Boyfriend, that we would finally be able to properly be together. The next 4 years were amazing, I proposed to her, she said yes and we just had this amazing life that felt like it revolved around each other. As I think about this, it feels that this was really unhealthy, because we both began to lose contact with our friends. But it was fun.

In 2006 we finally moved in together, I left everything that I had behind and left my mums for the 2nd time so I could always be with her, this is where I feel that out problems started. When I moved through, I had a job lined up, but due to issues with me not having a passport, I wasn't able to pass the Full disclosure that was required, I was also struggling with debt I had built up in the past, so, for the first 9 months of us living together, I was really a drain on her, both financially but also emotionally, because I was struggling to find a job, and if I am honest, being really difficult about what I wanted to do, as I refused to try certain places for work. This lead to a few arguments, But I did finally manage to find a well paid, and altogther, great job that I really enjoy.  Once that was sorted, we started splitting the finances in the house, I made sure that I was paying more, partly because I made significantly more than her, but also because I felt bad about the previous 9 months. This was all fine, and it felt that we were bringing the relationship back on track.

Then Her Nana died, we lost the flat that we loved and we had to move in with her mum. This all happened within a few weeks, she also failed a drama exam that she really wanted to do well in. I started noticing that she was being really distant and cold with me, and that she wasn't the talky, happy self that she had been through this, and I tried to get her to open up, but she just wouldn't. After we moved in with her Mum, I was talking to my ex on facebook, and I told her about how I was feeling. She saw this, but did not tell me at all for about 7 months, after we had found and moved into a new flat. One night she just exploded at me, after we had an amazing night out, and finally told me everything. It made me feel like such an arsehole for what I did to her. We talked, we decided to keep things going, and I cut off all ties with my ex to make her happy.

Not long after, she started playing a game with me, World of Warcraft. I decided that I would help her level, but as I was the Raid leader for our guild, once she hit 80, i asked her to try and get along without me for a while so I could go back to leading and progressing our guild. She didn't like this, so found one of our guildmates to help her, we will call him C. She started talking more and more to C, and it soon spilled out into real life, she would always text him, or email him. She would constantly talk to him about everything. She even started doing things, because that's what he wanted. I started getting paranoid about this, because she was always more interested in him then she was in me, but she would reassure me that nothing was going on, and go back to what she was doing. At one point she sat for 5 hours, over teamspeak, talking and laughing to him.

Anyway, her phone broke and she needed to use another phone as a spare for a while, and everything continued as was going on previously. When she got her old phone back, I ended up having to use the same phone she had. And that's when I found the text messages. They were explicit, they were sexting basically, and it had been going on for a long time. I went mental, and I decided that I needed to know what was going on. I hacked into her emails, and started keeping an eye on the communications going between them, and it was still as bad. It took me 2 months to confront her about what was going on, and that was only because she found out what was going on. She almost left me, We fought, we decided to give it another try and see if we could make things work, but taken our relationship back a step and no longer be engaged. I promised her I would ask her to marry me again when the time felt right. That was 2 and a half years ago.

The following year was all about mending what had been broken, and I will be honest, it felt great. Our relationship was in the best place for years, and I know this is stupid, but I was blisfully happy that she still wanted to be with me, that I didn't want to risk getting engaged again. So we went through like this.

This was all fine, until earlier this year. I started to feel her distancing herself from me again around Febuary, and it scared me, so I started making more effort around her, and I thought it was working. But it wasn't. In June this year I noticed the same behaviours i had noticed a couple of years before with C, this time though it felt far more serious as it was someone she worked with, G. She was spending a lot of time either talking about him, or messaging him. Whenever I questioned it, she would tell me that he was married and loved his wife, this started causing a lot of problems, and I, again, got really paranoid about what was going on. This came to a head when one day she all of a sudden announced she was going to friends. She had never done this before, she would always arrange things days in advance. I didn't believe her and finally managed to get it out of her that she was going for a Drive with a "friend", which, upon further poking, I found out what G. I was angry, I told her not to go, and she didn't and we talked, she started telling me things about how she was feeling that I was controlling her through my jealously and paranoia, and that nothing was going on between them and I needed to let it go. The next day, I woke up and found that she had already left the house at 6 am for a "Walk". she didn't get back until 11am, and said she needed some time to think. I didn't believe her, it wasn't just out of character, it was insane, but I played along. We went out, we had a really bad day, with her buried in her phone when ever she wasn't talking to someone else, and the whole atmosphere was frosty.

After she left for work the next day, I decided to log into her Facebook. I am not proud of this at all, but what I found confirmed everything I feared. That she WAS with him the day before. The messages that they sent between each other were also highly suggestive and of the same type that she had been sending to C 2 years before. I broke down at work, got sent home, and confronted her with what I found, she denied there was anything other than playfull ness in the messages, and that nothing was going on, but I didn't(and still) don't belive her. It looked exactly like they were going to do something, or already had. Again, I went on a bit of a rampage, and found out exactly what I needed to know. She had already kissed him, and she had been feeling the way she was about him for some time. When I finally got her to start telling me the truth about what was going on, she still hasn't been totally upfront with me. But she told me that she couldn't see a future for us anymore, that she knew about my debts, and that when ever she was looking forward it felt like she had already missed out on the things that she wanted, and didn't want them any more. It upset me to think she had been feeling like this for so long, but I couldn't fix it anymore.

Anyway, over the last month it's been back and forth between "lets work on this" to "We need to split up", and I am constantly trying to get answers from her about what she wants or needs from me, and getting nothing in return. Last week, she went to his house behind my back, telling me that she would be at her friends again, and I am convinced that she slept with him that night. The next day, the decision was made that we would "Seperate" so we could figure out what we want.

I know that there is nothing more that I would want right now, then to save this and get everything back on track. But the more I think about what's happening now, what happened, and whats going to happen. it makes me more and more angry and upset. She has made no effort to try and save this, or to feel differently about us, and I am the one that is being punished and it feel massively unfair.  I just know that despite her promises otherwise, she is telling him everything that is going on, and that when I move out in 2 weeks time I know that she will persue whatever it is she has with him right now, whilst trying to keep up the impression that she wants to save this. She keeps trying to tell me to go out and sleep with other women, but I know that won't happen, I'm not Brad Pitt.

So, this leads me up to now, and where I have found myself. I am moving out of the flat at the begining of September, so she can have "Space and Time" to figure out what she wants. The first week I need to leave her alone, and we can start working things out after that apparently. But I think I know in my heart that she has made the decision to leave me and is trying to spare my feelings at this point.

So, what's the purpose of this Blog. More than anything it's just to write down how I am feeling about everything, and get it through my own head that this is over and there is nothing I can do to save this. Maybe in a years time I will come back to this and realise that I am a massive idiot for feeling this way, maybe I will come back to it and tell you we got back together, but I doubt that.  It's really, though, just a place to vent and put down my feelings, so that I am not constantly on her back about this. I am going to back off her for a little while until she tells me what she wants.