That's a question I have been asking myself today.
The answer.
Stop trying
Sunday 26 August 2012
Saturday 25 August 2012
Another song I think
You say "I love you, boy"
I know you lie
I trust you all the same
I don't know why
'Cause when my back is turned
My bruises shine
Our broken fairytale
So hard to hide
I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard
Sitting in a wishing hole
Hoping it stays dry
Feet cast in solid stone
I've got Gilligan's eyes
I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard
You said love was letting us go against what
Our future is for...
Many of horror
Our future's for many of horror
I still believe it's you and me 'til the end of time
When we collide we come together
If we don't we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise; I know you're worth it
When you hit me hit me hard
I honestly don't know
Yep.
As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.
I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.
I just don't know.
I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.
I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.
I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.
I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.
Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.
I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.
I'm a dick.
As the title says, I honestly don't know anymore.
I don't know what I am doing.
I don't know what I want
I don't know if this is worth saving.
I just don't know.
I wish I did, I truly do. But the signals are mixed, and my emotions are all over the place. It's the same with S, but that's as much to do with recent events in her life as it is mine.
I feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time. Last night I accused her of everything under the sun, to her face, when she was preparing for what I knew would be one of the worst days she would have had in a long time.
I actually shouted at her in absoloute rage, I asked when I would get what I wanted. And I don't know why I did it.
I've decided that I need to speak to someone, a doctor first, a therapist second. I have got myself in this cycle of sadness and aceptance that I just can't break. I don't want drugs, I don't want to turn to alcohol to ease whatever pain I have, but I need to talk to someone who doesn't have any knowledge of who I am.
Oh, and I was so bad last night, that she actually hit me, not once, not twice, but several times.
I know what I am doing, I know that I shouldn't, especially right now, but I do it anyway.
I'm a dick.
Wednesday 22 August 2012
Not feeling it today
Today has been a write off from the second that I woke up until now, just before I am going to bed.
I want S to admit what is going on, I know there is something more then what she is telling me, all the secrets and all the lies she has told me point directly at that. I need her honesty now more than ever. I don't want to go through the next two months wondering if she is with him, or what she is doing.
I know that I will never get the truth from her though, it's like she is incapable of it.
But I know her too well, I know what she is like. She won't want to be single, she hasn't been for at least 10 years and nearly 9 of those were with me.
UGH!
I want S to admit what is going on, I know there is something more then what she is telling me, all the secrets and all the lies she has told me point directly at that. I need her honesty now more than ever. I don't want to go through the next two months wondering if she is with him, or what she is doing.
I know that I will never get the truth from her though, it's like she is incapable of it.
But I know her too well, I know what she is like. She won't want to be single, she hasn't been for at least 10 years and nearly 9 of those were with me.
UGH!
Pfffffftttt
What can I say really.
She doesn't want me in her life, I don't want to be around her.
Told her today that when I move out then I will be totally gone from her life, S deserves better than this, if she was happy with me, then she would have fought it. I need to move on and let her be happy. I need to be happy.
Moods are up and down right now, sometimes I am quite high and happy, other times I feel like I have hit the bottom and have no way of getting back up. Don't know what the next couple of months will bring, but I can only try and look on the bright side now.
She doesn't want me in her life, I don't want to be around her.
Told her today that when I move out then I will be totally gone from her life, S deserves better than this, if she was happy with me, then she would have fought it. I need to move on and let her be happy. I need to be happy.
Moods are up and down right now, sometimes I am quite high and happy, other times I feel like I have hit the bottom and have no way of getting back up. Don't know what the next couple of months will bring, but I can only try and look on the bright side now.
Monday 20 August 2012
So, I think I know where this is going
This has not been a good weekend.
On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.
I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.
It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.
I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.
We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.
On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one. I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.
I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.
She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.
Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.
So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.
I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.
On Friday night S went to her mums to stay for a couple of days, she was being a bit strange with me when she left, but I didn't really think too much of it, until I got home from taking her to the train station.
I don't know why I did it, but I decided to check to see if she took something with her, and found out that she had taken a very specific piece of underwear with her. It's not the sort of thing that you take for a weekend at your mums, is the general point of this. I went mental, I phoned her, and I spent 2 hours arguing with her about how she actually felt, what she was doing, why she was doing it.
It ended badly, I threw my phone on the floor in an absolute rage, then we continued to text for the next couple of hours. She told me that she wasn't going to do anything, and took that thing to see if I would check. She knows I am paranoid, and I really don't believe her.
I went to see her on Saturday, but this was already planned before this happened, as her Papa was really ill. I met her for coffee, and there was nothing but coldness from her, and the conversation started up again in the cafe. I couldn't help it, I asked why she would do something like that to me, knowing they way that I feel.
We went to see her Papa, who was in a really bad way when we went in, and we all kind of knew that he didn't have long left. So I dropped it and went home. Later on, I got a text message to tell me that he had passed away. I just wanted to go and comfort her, but she had already made her mind up that I was not to be anyway near her. The fact that she hadn't even text me to let me know that he turned and was going upset me more. But I dropped it, and I left her in peace for the rest of Saturday, and I was quite upset as well.
On Sunday, I checked her mobile Bill, and I saw she dialled a number at 9pm, an hour after she had apparently went to sleep, It was G. I am now convinced that she went to him for the comfort I should have been able to provide, and this has changed everything. She tells me it was for some innocent reason, just like everything else that I have found out recently, but there are too many pieces to the puzzle, I phoned her at 10am, she didn't reply, but phoned me back 2 minutes later, sounding groggy, and in a bathroom. She told me straight away that she was going to go to town, and should be back by one. I am convinced that she was still at his at that time, the next message I received from her told me she was going to be late, I think she was on the bus back from his.
I'm not angry anymore, I'm really upset, but not angry. And I think I now fully accept what's going to happen next.
She is being manipulated by a married man, who is apparently going away with his wife for a few days for their anniversary and looking to reconcile, if that's true, then she is the one that is going to end up hurt in this whole situation, a she will lose me, and whatever she has with G. If she is lying to me about that, then she will still end up getting hurt.
Once I move out, I need to decide whether or not I can still see her for a little while, because I do think that this is over now, I am actually convinced now that she doesn't want to save this, she wouldn't have done the things that she has if she did.
So, new focus of this blog is healing, getting better, accepting my mistakes and moving on with my life. And in time, I hope that I find someone who is as special to me as she still is.
I love you S. I will always love you. If you do decide in the future that you want to try again, then I will be there, anytime, and place.
Friday 17 August 2012
Oh Well
Well.
That's over then.
I have just fucked up the last 9 years of my life, and I feel like shit for doing it.
GO ME!
That's over then.
I have just fucked up the last 9 years of my life, and I feel like shit for doing it.
GO ME!
The rules of Seperation
Ok, so I have been trying to think about the "Rules" for this trial seperation, and how we are going to handle it. I have spoken with S about this as well, and as usual she listened, didn't talk, so I don't know how much she took in, or agreed with.
So, here are the rules as they stand at the moment.
1) This will last a minimum of 2 months.
2) After I have moved out on the 1st September, I am to leave S alone for a week to allow her some time and space to think. During this time I am not to contact her to ask any questions around the status of the relationship.
3) We are to commit to seeing each other at least once per week. Days to be decided at the time
4) If a Random hook up does occur at any point, then we are not to let the other person know.
5) Privacy will be respected by both parties
6) Sex(with each other) is still permitted, although not expected at every meeting, or to be used as a weapon
7) If she does decide that she want's to start Seeing G during this time, then the separation is over, and we will become single.
8) After the initial 2 month period, a discussion will take place to decide whether or not we want to continue with the separation, and the relationship is salvagable. If it is decided at that point to continue All previous rules stand.
9) If we decide after the initial 2 months to continue working on the relationship, then we will have a further 4 months from that point to decide whether or not to become a fully fledged couple.
10) Both parties are to go out with friends during this time.
11) One person is not to continue with the seperation, if the only reason they are doing so is to make the other person feel better.
12) Be available to talk whenever possible, but never blow off any pre-arranged plans to do so.
13) An extension to 12, never be too needy for attention, if someone doesn't want to talk, then you must accept that.
14) Allow yourself to miss the other one.
15) No pressure, do not constantly ask how we feel about the relationship.
I wanted her to add a couple on there, and will be asking her to do this before the 1st September, this will
So, here are the rules as they stand at the moment.
1) This will last a minimum of 2 months.
2) After I have moved out on the 1st September, I am to leave S alone for a week to allow her some time and space to think. During this time I am not to contact her to ask any questions around the status of the relationship.
3) We are to commit to seeing each other at least once per week. Days to be decided at the time
4) If a Random hook up does occur at any point, then we are not to let the other person know.
5) Privacy will be respected by both parties
6) Sex(with each other) is still permitted, although not expected at every meeting, or to be used as a weapon
7) If she does decide that she want's to start Seeing G during this time, then the separation is over, and we will become single.
8) After the initial 2 month period, a discussion will take place to decide whether or not we want to continue with the separation, and the relationship is salvagable. If it is decided at that point to continue All previous rules stand.
9) If we decide after the initial 2 months to continue working on the relationship, then we will have a further 4 months from that point to decide whether or not to become a fully fledged couple.
10) Both parties are to go out with friends during this time.
11) One person is not to continue with the seperation, if the only reason they are doing so is to make the other person feel better.
12) Be available to talk whenever possible, but never blow off any pre-arranged plans to do so.
13) An extension to 12, never be too needy for attention, if someone doesn't want to talk, then you must accept that.
14) Allow yourself to miss the other one.
15) No pressure, do not constantly ask how we feel about the relationship.
I wanted her to add a couple on there, and will be asking her to do this before the 1st September, this will
And now the waiting game begins
Sent a text and email for the room that I wanted today. Got a message back saying they would make their decision over who they wanted to move in over the weekend and let me know. Fingers crossed that I get it.
Viewing Flats
Last night was pretty fun. Spent most of the night travelling through Glasgow viewing flats. I have decided that I want to live in the West end of Glasgow, as it's good transport links.
So, the first one is 10 minutes away from 2 Subway stations, Hillhead and Kelvinbridge. The room itself was HUGE, High ceilings, and bigger then my current living room. Met one of the potential Flatmates, a lovely little girl called Janet, and enjoyed meeting her. The landlord lives on the same street and seems like a pretty good guy. S was with me, I hate having to introduce her as my "friend" but those are the things that happen.
Second flat I wasn't so impressed with, the room was tiny. It was a little bit cheaper then what I would have been paying at the previous address, but the room was too small for me. The Flat mates were top notch though, but already decided that I wouldn't be taking it, I feel that I will need somewhere where I can get privacy, and this isn't the place for that.
Bleh, S is away to her mums for a couple of days over the weekend. I have convinced myself that she wont actually be there for as long as she says she will, think that she will find a way to get out and see G tonight or tomorrow. Want to believe her when she says she isn't talking to him outside of work, but she has already lied to me twice about where she is going, and what she is going to do, so I just can't believe her this time, no matter how hard I try :(
So, the first one is 10 minutes away from 2 Subway stations, Hillhead and Kelvinbridge. The room itself was HUGE, High ceilings, and bigger then my current living room. Met one of the potential Flatmates, a lovely little girl called Janet, and enjoyed meeting her. The landlord lives on the same street and seems like a pretty good guy. S was with me, I hate having to introduce her as my "friend" but those are the things that happen.
Second flat I wasn't so impressed with, the room was tiny. It was a little bit cheaper then what I would have been paying at the previous address, but the room was too small for me. The Flat mates were top notch though, but already decided that I wouldn't be taking it, I feel that I will need somewhere where I can get privacy, and this isn't the place for that.
Bleh, S is away to her mums for a couple of days over the weekend. I have convinced myself that she wont actually be there for as long as she says she will, think that she will find a way to get out and see G tonight or tomorrow. Want to believe her when she says she isn't talking to him outside of work, but she has already lied to me twice about where she is going, and what she is going to do, so I just can't believe her this time, no matter how hard I try :(
Thursday 16 August 2012
Yeah
So, over the last few weeks I have constantly been thinking and talking about what's going on between me and S, and I'm starting to exhaust myself with this. This is why I have started this blog, if I can write down how I feel, then at least I am putting it out there for people to read.
I know that no-one will ever read this blog anyway, it's just another random dude on the internet trying to work himself out, but if I can at least feel that I am venting somewhere, then I hope I can sort my head out and move on from this.
What's funny to me, is that the first post was very cathartic to write. It's a big one, it makes little sense and I know that I have skipped some of the bad things that I have done as well, but at least it's out there now. If it feels that good to talk openly about it, and not worry about the answer, then maybe I should just go with this, and keep this more as a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings.
To expand on something I said earlier. I feel like I am the one fighting for this relationship, and I have felt that since the day that I found out what was going on, I have been the only one doing this. Maybe I should stop fighting, and let her go out and do whatever it is that she wants to do. If she comes back to me after that, then maybe we have something worth fighting for.
I just don't want to feel that the last 9 years of my life have been wasted. I really did want to Marry this Woman, and be a parent with her, and I just feel like I have lost that chance now.
I know that no-one will ever read this blog anyway, it's just another random dude on the internet trying to work himself out, but if I can at least feel that I am venting somewhere, then I hope I can sort my head out and move on from this.
What's funny to me, is that the first post was very cathartic to write. It's a big one, it makes little sense and I know that I have skipped some of the bad things that I have done as well, but at least it's out there now. If it feels that good to talk openly about it, and not worry about the answer, then maybe I should just go with this, and keep this more as a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings.
To expand on something I said earlier. I feel like I am the one fighting for this relationship, and I have felt that since the day that I found out what was going on, I have been the only one doing this. Maybe I should stop fighting, and let her go out and do whatever it is that she wants to do. If she comes back to me after that, then maybe we have something worth fighting for.
I just don't want to feel that the last 9 years of my life have been wasted. I really did want to Marry this Woman, and be a parent with her, and I just feel like I have lost that chance now.
Song of the day
So, this song is really just about how I feel about S right now. I know that I can't let her leave my life, even if that means that I have to let her go and be happy with someone else. I sent this to her last night, didn't get a reaction from her. Suppose I should stop trying.
Close your eyes,
And just hear me sing,
One last long goodbye,
One last song before you spread your wings.
There's so much left to say,
And before this moment slips away
What a wonderful life,
For as long as you've been at my side,
And I want you to know,
I loved you so
The cold night calls,
And the tears fall like rain,
It's so hard letting go,
Of the one thing I'll never replace
And soon you will be gone,
But these words, they will live on
What a wonderful life,
For as long as you've been at my side,
And I want you to know,
I'll miss you so,
And though our days come to an end,
No, I'll never love like this again,
What a wonderful life my friend
All that I am,
You let me be,
I will remember you,
For all that you've done,
And given to me
Love will remain,
This I can see,
Now and forever more
Because of you,
Now I believe
I believe
What a wonderful life,
For as long as you've been at my side,
And I want you to know,
I loved you so
What a wonderful life,
For as long as you've been at my side,
And I want you to know,
I'll miss you so,
And though our days come to an end,
No, I'll never love like this again,
What a wonderful life
A wonderful life
What a wonderful life
What a wonderful life
And with one last embrace
As the tears fall like rain you're gone
And with one last goodbye,
As you fade out tonight, you're gone.
So, now you know the story so far...
So, with the main post done here goes everything.
Today I have 2 flat viewings in Glasgow, S is coming along with me to see them and give me opinions about whether or not I should take it. I already viewed one on Monday, but decided against taking it, as it was far too close to where she works
So these 2 are on the opposite side of Glasgow, in the west end. Not too far from my work, but not too close as to be never away from it, found out one is being rented by a friend of a friend as well, so that should be interesting.
I don't want to do this tonight, but I know that I have to. Every time I say to myself I am just going to let things go and stop trying to get her to talk, I go ahead and say something stupid. Last night, after lying in bed for nearly an hour, I just blurted out "I think we should split up, not separate".
This is becoming one of the biggest problems right now. I feel like she just doesn't want to deal with the main issues right now, or talk about what's going on, and I just want to know everything that has happened, or is going to happen between her and G. She can't promise that she wont persue anything with him while we are separated and this just makes me think that she is already planning to.
I have signed up for a couple of dating sites, but not put a picture up at the moment, I don't feel like I am ready to really start looking at other people right now, I guess, in a weird way, I want her to find the profiles and get angry at me for looking whilst we are still "together".
A small part of me wants to really hurt her, as much as she has hurt me, but I just can't do it, because I know that I would lose her completely from my life :(
Today I have 2 flat viewings in Glasgow, S is coming along with me to see them and give me opinions about whether or not I should take it. I already viewed one on Monday, but decided against taking it, as it was far too close to where she works
So these 2 are on the opposite side of Glasgow, in the west end. Not too far from my work, but not too close as to be never away from it, found out one is being rented by a friend of a friend as well, so that should be interesting.
I don't want to do this tonight, but I know that I have to. Every time I say to myself I am just going to let things go and stop trying to get her to talk, I go ahead and say something stupid. Last night, after lying in bed for nearly an hour, I just blurted out "I think we should split up, not separate".
This is becoming one of the biggest problems right now. I feel like she just doesn't want to deal with the main issues right now, or talk about what's going on, and I just want to know everything that has happened, or is going to happen between her and G. She can't promise that she wont persue anything with him while we are separated and this just makes me think that she is already planning to.
I have signed up for a couple of dating sites, but not put a picture up at the moment, I don't feel like I am ready to really start looking at other people right now, I guess, in a weird way, I want her to find the profiles and get angry at me for looking whilst we are still "together".
A small part of me wants to really hurt her, as much as she has hurt me, but I just can't do it, because I know that I would lose her completely from my life :(
Well, here it goes.
So they say you should start a blog and go through the situation that your trying to convey.
Well, here goes.
I'm 29 years old, I live in Glasgow and as of about 6 days ago, I have been in the process of separating with my girlfriend of the last 9 years, and being the one who just does not want this to happen.
There's a whole back story to this, which goes back a good few years. I haven't been perfect and I know the mistakes that I have made, but I never once meant for her to get upset enough with me that she could no longer see a future for us.
So, here is the Story. I met my partner(who we will call S for the sake of not putting too many personal details here) through the Penpal section of Rocksound Magazine. I was around 16 at the time we started writing to each other. In the time we were we both had relationships, I went out with, and had my heart broken by a girl that I met. But during that time we continued to write to each other. After a couple of years we finally decided to meet in person for the first time. We went to a gig(Taproot at the Glasgow Garage, I am sure of that) and had a great time, she was in a relationship at the time, but as soon as I met her, I knew she was the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She was funny, confident, beautiful and always good for having a conversation with.
We started hanging out more and more as the months went on, I would find gigs that we could both go to, and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. During this time, the girl who broke my heart was still in the background of my life. Making sure that I knew she was having so much fun without me. My feelings about her never truley went away for a couple of years, but I was having fun with who I felt was my best friend.
Anyway, to skip the boring part, S and I stopped being just penpals, and become close friends, we would spend weekends in the Pub, talk to each other on the phone and generally text each other nonsense to cheer each other up.
February 2004 when everything changed for us. The 27th to be precise. We went to see the Ataris in the Barrowlands, we had the most amazing time at the gig, lost our old T-shirts when we bought new ones, went to the Cathouse. I ended up missing my bus, and dropping a Pizza. It was already 3 in the morning, and she decided that she would stay with me at the bus station until my first bus came 4 hours later. This is the night we first kissed, she pushed me against a wall and kissed me with such passion, that it still makes me smile today to think about it. After that, we spent the rest of the night just kissing and talking.
It wouldn't be until 4 weeks later, after she had split up with her Boyfriend, that we would finally be able to properly be together. The next 4 years were amazing, I proposed to her, she said yes and we just had this amazing life that felt like it revolved around each other. As I think about this, it feels that this was really unhealthy, because we both began to lose contact with our friends. But it was fun.
In 2006 we finally moved in together, I left everything that I had behind and left my mums for the 2nd time so I could always be with her, this is where I feel that out problems started. When I moved through, I had a job lined up, but due to issues with me not having a passport, I wasn't able to pass the Full disclosure that was required, I was also struggling with debt I had built up in the past, so, for the first 9 months of us living together, I was really a drain on her, both financially but also emotionally, because I was struggling to find a job, and if I am honest, being really difficult about what I wanted to do, as I refused to try certain places for work. This lead to a few arguments, But I did finally manage to find a well paid, and altogther, great job that I really enjoy. Once that was sorted, we started splitting the finances in the house, I made sure that I was paying more, partly because I made significantly more than her, but also because I felt bad about the previous 9 months. This was all fine, and it felt that we were bringing the relationship back on track.
Then Her Nana died, we lost the flat that we loved and we had to move in with her mum. This all happened within a few weeks, she also failed a drama exam that she really wanted to do well in. I started noticing that she was being really distant and cold with me, and that she wasn't the talky, happy self that she had been through this, and I tried to get her to open up, but she just wouldn't. After we moved in with her Mum, I was talking to my ex on facebook, and I told her about how I was feeling. She saw this, but did not tell me at all for about 7 months, after we had found and moved into a new flat. One night she just exploded at me, after we had an amazing night out, and finally told me everything. It made me feel like such an arsehole for what I did to her. We talked, we decided to keep things going, and I cut off all ties with my ex to make her happy.
Not long after, she started playing a game with me, World of Warcraft. I decided that I would help her level, but as I was the Raid leader for our guild, once she hit 80, i asked her to try and get along without me for a while so I could go back to leading and progressing our guild. She didn't like this, so found one of our guildmates to help her, we will call him C. She started talking more and more to C, and it soon spilled out into real life, she would always text him, or email him. She would constantly talk to him about everything. She even started doing things, because that's what he wanted. I started getting paranoid about this, because she was always more interested in him then she was in me, but she would reassure me that nothing was going on, and go back to what she was doing. At one point she sat for 5 hours, over teamspeak, talking and laughing to him.
Anyway, her phone broke and she needed to use another phone as a spare for a while, and everything continued as was going on previously. When she got her old phone back, I ended up having to use the same phone she had. And that's when I found the text messages. They were explicit, they were sexting basically, and it had been going on for a long time. I went mental, and I decided that I needed to know what was going on. I hacked into her emails, and started keeping an eye on the communications going between them, and it was still as bad. It took me 2 months to confront her about what was going on, and that was only because she found out what was going on. She almost left me, We fought, we decided to give it another try and see if we could make things work, but taken our relationship back a step and no longer be engaged. I promised her I would ask her to marry me again when the time felt right. That was 2 and a half years ago.
The following year was all about mending what had been broken, and I will be honest, it felt great. Our relationship was in the best place for years, and I know this is stupid, but I was blisfully happy that she still wanted to be with me, that I didn't want to risk getting engaged again. So we went through like this.
This was all fine, until earlier this year. I started to feel her distancing herself from me again around Febuary, and it scared me, so I started making more effort around her, and I thought it was working. But it wasn't. In June this year I noticed the same behaviours i had noticed a couple of years before with C, this time though it felt far more serious as it was someone she worked with, G. She was spending a lot of time either talking about him, or messaging him. Whenever I questioned it, she would tell me that he was married and loved his wife, this started causing a lot of problems, and I, again, got really paranoid about what was going on. This came to a head when one day she all of a sudden announced she was going to friends. She had never done this before, she would always arrange things days in advance. I didn't believe her and finally managed to get it out of her that she was going for a Drive with a "friend", which, upon further poking, I found out what G. I was angry, I told her not to go, and she didn't and we talked, she started telling me things about how she was feeling that I was controlling her through my jealously and paranoia, and that nothing was going on between them and I needed to let it go. The next day, I woke up and found that she had already left the house at 6 am for a "Walk". she didn't get back until 11am, and said she needed some time to think. I didn't believe her, it wasn't just out of character, it was insane, but I played along. We went out, we had a really bad day, with her buried in her phone when ever she wasn't talking to someone else, and the whole atmosphere was frosty.
After she left for work the next day, I decided to log into her Facebook. I am not proud of this at all, but what I found confirmed everything I feared. That she WAS with him the day before. The messages that they sent between each other were also highly suggestive and of the same type that she had been sending to C 2 years before. I broke down at work, got sent home, and confronted her with what I found, she denied there was anything other than playfull ness in the messages, and that nothing was going on, but I didn't(and still) don't belive her. It looked exactly like they were going to do something, or already had. Again, I went on a bit of a rampage, and found out exactly what I needed to know. She had already kissed him, and she had been feeling the way she was about him for some time. When I finally got her to start telling me the truth about what was going on, she still hasn't been totally upfront with me. But she told me that she couldn't see a future for us anymore, that she knew about my debts, and that when ever she was looking forward it felt like she had already missed out on the things that she wanted, and didn't want them any more. It upset me to think she had been feeling like this for so long, but I couldn't fix it anymore.
Anyway, over the last month it's been back and forth between "lets work on this" to "We need to split up", and I am constantly trying to get answers from her about what she wants or needs from me, and getting nothing in return. Last week, she went to his house behind my back, telling me that she would be at her friends again, and I am convinced that she slept with him that night. The next day, the decision was made that we would "Seperate" so we could figure out what we want.
I know that there is nothing more that I would want right now, then to save this and get everything back on track. But the more I think about what's happening now, what happened, and whats going to happen. it makes me more and more angry and upset. She has made no effort to try and save this, or to feel differently about us, and I am the one that is being punished and it feel massively unfair. I just know that despite her promises otherwise, she is telling him everything that is going on, and that when I move out in 2 weeks time I know that she will persue whatever it is she has with him right now, whilst trying to keep up the impression that she wants to save this. She keeps trying to tell me to go out and sleep with other women, but I know that won't happen, I'm not Brad Pitt.
So, this leads me up to now, and where I have found myself. I am moving out of the flat at the begining of September, so she can have "Space and Time" to figure out what she wants. The first week I need to leave her alone, and we can start working things out after that apparently. But I think I know in my heart that she has made the decision to leave me and is trying to spare my feelings at this point.
So, what's the purpose of this Blog. More than anything it's just to write down how I am feeling about everything, and get it through my own head that this is over and there is nothing I can do to save this. Maybe in a years time I will come back to this and realise that I am a massive idiot for feeling this way, maybe I will come back to it and tell you we got back together, but I doubt that. It's really, though, just a place to vent and put down my feelings, so that I am not constantly on her back about this. I am going to back off her for a little while until she tells me what she wants.
Well, here goes.
I'm 29 years old, I live in Glasgow and as of about 6 days ago, I have been in the process of separating with my girlfriend of the last 9 years, and being the one who just does not want this to happen.
There's a whole back story to this, which goes back a good few years. I haven't been perfect and I know the mistakes that I have made, but I never once meant for her to get upset enough with me that she could no longer see a future for us.
So, here is the Story. I met my partner(who we will call S for the sake of not putting too many personal details here) through the Penpal section of Rocksound Magazine. I was around 16 at the time we started writing to each other. In the time we were we both had relationships, I went out with, and had my heart broken by a girl that I met. But during that time we continued to write to each other. After a couple of years we finally decided to meet in person for the first time. We went to a gig(Taproot at the Glasgow Garage, I am sure of that) and had a great time, she was in a relationship at the time, but as soon as I met her, I knew she was the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She was funny, confident, beautiful and always good for having a conversation with.
We started hanging out more and more as the months went on, I would find gigs that we could both go to, and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. During this time, the girl who broke my heart was still in the background of my life. Making sure that I knew she was having so much fun without me. My feelings about her never truley went away for a couple of years, but I was having fun with who I felt was my best friend.
Anyway, to skip the boring part, S and I stopped being just penpals, and become close friends, we would spend weekends in the Pub, talk to each other on the phone and generally text each other nonsense to cheer each other up.
February 2004 when everything changed for us. The 27th to be precise. We went to see the Ataris in the Barrowlands, we had the most amazing time at the gig, lost our old T-shirts when we bought new ones, went to the Cathouse. I ended up missing my bus, and dropping a Pizza. It was already 3 in the morning, and she decided that she would stay with me at the bus station until my first bus came 4 hours later. This is the night we first kissed, she pushed me against a wall and kissed me with such passion, that it still makes me smile today to think about it. After that, we spent the rest of the night just kissing and talking.
It wouldn't be until 4 weeks later, after she had split up with her Boyfriend, that we would finally be able to properly be together. The next 4 years were amazing, I proposed to her, she said yes and we just had this amazing life that felt like it revolved around each other. As I think about this, it feels that this was really unhealthy, because we both began to lose contact with our friends. But it was fun.
In 2006 we finally moved in together, I left everything that I had behind and left my mums for the 2nd time so I could always be with her, this is where I feel that out problems started. When I moved through, I had a job lined up, but due to issues with me not having a passport, I wasn't able to pass the Full disclosure that was required, I was also struggling with debt I had built up in the past, so, for the first 9 months of us living together, I was really a drain on her, both financially but also emotionally, because I was struggling to find a job, and if I am honest, being really difficult about what I wanted to do, as I refused to try certain places for work. This lead to a few arguments, But I did finally manage to find a well paid, and altogther, great job that I really enjoy. Once that was sorted, we started splitting the finances in the house, I made sure that I was paying more, partly because I made significantly more than her, but also because I felt bad about the previous 9 months. This was all fine, and it felt that we were bringing the relationship back on track.
Then Her Nana died, we lost the flat that we loved and we had to move in with her mum. This all happened within a few weeks, she also failed a drama exam that she really wanted to do well in. I started noticing that she was being really distant and cold with me, and that she wasn't the talky, happy self that she had been through this, and I tried to get her to open up, but she just wouldn't. After we moved in with her Mum, I was talking to my ex on facebook, and I told her about how I was feeling. She saw this, but did not tell me at all for about 7 months, after we had found and moved into a new flat. One night she just exploded at me, after we had an amazing night out, and finally told me everything. It made me feel like such an arsehole for what I did to her. We talked, we decided to keep things going, and I cut off all ties with my ex to make her happy.
Not long after, she started playing a game with me, World of Warcraft. I decided that I would help her level, but as I was the Raid leader for our guild, once she hit 80, i asked her to try and get along without me for a while so I could go back to leading and progressing our guild. She didn't like this, so found one of our guildmates to help her, we will call him C. She started talking more and more to C, and it soon spilled out into real life, she would always text him, or email him. She would constantly talk to him about everything. She even started doing things, because that's what he wanted. I started getting paranoid about this, because she was always more interested in him then she was in me, but she would reassure me that nothing was going on, and go back to what she was doing. At one point she sat for 5 hours, over teamspeak, talking and laughing to him.
Anyway, her phone broke and she needed to use another phone as a spare for a while, and everything continued as was going on previously. When she got her old phone back, I ended up having to use the same phone she had. And that's when I found the text messages. They were explicit, they were sexting basically, and it had been going on for a long time. I went mental, and I decided that I needed to know what was going on. I hacked into her emails, and started keeping an eye on the communications going between them, and it was still as bad. It took me 2 months to confront her about what was going on, and that was only because she found out what was going on. She almost left me, We fought, we decided to give it another try and see if we could make things work, but taken our relationship back a step and no longer be engaged. I promised her I would ask her to marry me again when the time felt right. That was 2 and a half years ago.
The following year was all about mending what had been broken, and I will be honest, it felt great. Our relationship was in the best place for years, and I know this is stupid, but I was blisfully happy that she still wanted to be with me, that I didn't want to risk getting engaged again. So we went through like this.
This was all fine, until earlier this year. I started to feel her distancing herself from me again around Febuary, and it scared me, so I started making more effort around her, and I thought it was working. But it wasn't. In June this year I noticed the same behaviours i had noticed a couple of years before with C, this time though it felt far more serious as it was someone she worked with, G. She was spending a lot of time either talking about him, or messaging him. Whenever I questioned it, she would tell me that he was married and loved his wife, this started causing a lot of problems, and I, again, got really paranoid about what was going on. This came to a head when one day she all of a sudden announced she was going to friends. She had never done this before, she would always arrange things days in advance. I didn't believe her and finally managed to get it out of her that she was going for a Drive with a "friend", which, upon further poking, I found out what G. I was angry, I told her not to go, and she didn't and we talked, she started telling me things about how she was feeling that I was controlling her through my jealously and paranoia, and that nothing was going on between them and I needed to let it go. The next day, I woke up and found that she had already left the house at 6 am for a "Walk". she didn't get back until 11am, and said she needed some time to think. I didn't believe her, it wasn't just out of character, it was insane, but I played along. We went out, we had a really bad day, with her buried in her phone when ever she wasn't talking to someone else, and the whole atmosphere was frosty.
After she left for work the next day, I decided to log into her Facebook. I am not proud of this at all, but what I found confirmed everything I feared. That she WAS with him the day before. The messages that they sent between each other were also highly suggestive and of the same type that she had been sending to C 2 years before. I broke down at work, got sent home, and confronted her with what I found, she denied there was anything other than playfull ness in the messages, and that nothing was going on, but I didn't(and still) don't belive her. It looked exactly like they were going to do something, or already had. Again, I went on a bit of a rampage, and found out exactly what I needed to know. She had already kissed him, and she had been feeling the way she was about him for some time. When I finally got her to start telling me the truth about what was going on, she still hasn't been totally upfront with me. But she told me that she couldn't see a future for us anymore, that she knew about my debts, and that when ever she was looking forward it felt like she had already missed out on the things that she wanted, and didn't want them any more. It upset me to think she had been feeling like this for so long, but I couldn't fix it anymore.
Anyway, over the last month it's been back and forth between "lets work on this" to "We need to split up", and I am constantly trying to get answers from her about what she wants or needs from me, and getting nothing in return. Last week, she went to his house behind my back, telling me that she would be at her friends again, and I am convinced that she slept with him that night. The next day, the decision was made that we would "Seperate" so we could figure out what we want.
I know that there is nothing more that I would want right now, then to save this and get everything back on track. But the more I think about what's happening now, what happened, and whats going to happen. it makes me more and more angry and upset. She has made no effort to try and save this, or to feel differently about us, and I am the one that is being punished and it feel massively unfair. I just know that despite her promises otherwise, she is telling him everything that is going on, and that when I move out in 2 weeks time I know that she will persue whatever it is she has with him right now, whilst trying to keep up the impression that she wants to save this. She keeps trying to tell me to go out and sleep with other women, but I know that won't happen, I'm not Brad Pitt.
So, this leads me up to now, and where I have found myself. I am moving out of the flat at the begining of September, so she can have "Space and Time" to figure out what she wants. The first week I need to leave her alone, and we can start working things out after that apparently. But I think I know in my heart that she has made the decision to leave me and is trying to spare my feelings at this point.
So, what's the purpose of this Blog. More than anything it's just to write down how I am feeling about everything, and get it through my own head that this is over and there is nothing I can do to save this. Maybe in a years time I will come back to this and realise that I am a massive idiot for feeling this way, maybe I will come back to it and tell you we got back together, but I doubt that. It's really, though, just a place to vent and put down my feelings, so that I am not constantly on her back about this. I am going to back off her for a little while until she tells me what she wants.
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