I decided that I need to break absolutely all contact with S for a little while. It's nothing personal to her, but I need to properly have the space and time that I need to feel better.
I realized that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't been living, I have simply been existing, and I have started to feel worse and worse because of it. I need to go and start living my life again, and filling my time with the things that I want to do, rather then moping about and pretending to myself that it will all work out fine in the end.
I went to her's last night and pretty much told her this, that I need to start living my life again, and that I need to start letting her live hers. She understood, I stayed the night(slept on the couch), and left this morning, and i have felt great today. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My plans for the next few months haven't changed, I still intend on joining the Gym next month, I still intend on getting my drivers license. But I will be doing these things for me, and no one else.
I still wish I had someone to share my life with, but I know in my heart that right now, I can't have anyone because I will break their heart, I made that mistake before and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.
Monday 24 September 2012
Monday 17 September 2012
I REALLY identify with this song...
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
I have a question.
This is something that's been bothering me for the last couple of days, through conversations with friends, family and people outside the situation.
But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?
"It will get better in time"
I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.
I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.
But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?
"It will get better in time"
I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.
I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.
12 Days later
It's been 12 days since S and I officially broken up. In that time I have seen her about 4 times and everytime that I do, I feel great that she wants to see me, and crap that it has to end.
I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.
I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.
I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.
We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.
I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.
What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.
I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.
I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.
I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.
We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.
I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.
What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.
Wednesday 12 September 2012
I think i'm paranoid...
Well. Here's the thing.
I think that my paranoia, from the initial finding out about what was going on 2 months ago, to turning up at her door and essentially catching her with him last week, has contributed a lot to what's going on.
I have done some things that I promised myself I would never do. I have snooped, I have collected information online to try and find out what's going on, I have accessed email accounts that weren't mine, read messages that were not for my eyes and seen pictures that I didn't want to see. All of this is persuit of "THE TRUTH".
But how much of that made things worse? What would have happened if I told her that I found out, and believed her when she told me that it was a one off thing that would never happen again? What would have happened if I just lay back and accepted that explanation? Would we have come out the other side happier, having seen the problems present in the relationship and started to work on them and get everything back on track? Or would it have got worse because she thought I was happy with the explanation.
I honestly don't know, We both should have handled this differently and done more to fix the problems then try to find something to blame the other person for.
The funny part is, I have tried to get angry about what happened last Wednesday. I was initially furious, but when I think about it now, it's not the sex that bothers me. We are human, and Sex is a primal urge, if 2 people are going through a similar situation it's sometimes the logical conclusion. I have never seen sex as the be all and end all of a relationship anyway, it's a by product for sure, but not the reason that you stay with someone. When someone cheats in that way, it's more an indication of bigger problems then the actual problem, and focusing on that part of the affair puts everything else out of focus.
It's maybe a little too late to have realized that.
I think that my paranoia, from the initial finding out about what was going on 2 months ago, to turning up at her door and essentially catching her with him last week, has contributed a lot to what's going on.
I have done some things that I promised myself I would never do. I have snooped, I have collected information online to try and find out what's going on, I have accessed email accounts that weren't mine, read messages that were not for my eyes and seen pictures that I didn't want to see. All of this is persuit of "THE TRUTH".
But how much of that made things worse? What would have happened if I told her that I found out, and believed her when she told me that it was a one off thing that would never happen again? What would have happened if I just lay back and accepted that explanation? Would we have come out the other side happier, having seen the problems present in the relationship and started to work on them and get everything back on track? Or would it have got worse because she thought I was happy with the explanation.
I honestly don't know, We both should have handled this differently and done more to fix the problems then try to find something to blame the other person for.
The funny part is, I have tried to get angry about what happened last Wednesday. I was initially furious, but when I think about it now, it's not the sex that bothers me. We are human, and Sex is a primal urge, if 2 people are going through a similar situation it's sometimes the logical conclusion. I have never seen sex as the be all and end all of a relationship anyway, it's a by product for sure, but not the reason that you stay with someone. When someone cheats in that way, it's more an indication of bigger problems then the actual problem, and focusing on that part of the affair puts everything else out of focus.
It's maybe a little too late to have realized that.
Monday 10 September 2012
*hums*
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
You were so scared
But no one would listen
'Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here?
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I've made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are
The Plan
So, with my Relationship and current life in tatters, I feel that it's time to make a plan for the next year to get myself back in "the game" so to speak.
It's no secret that I have a lot of issues in myself around self confidence and my looks, I'm not an amazingly attractive man and it's something that I have come to accept about myself and not anything I can really change.
However, I have let myself go a bit.
I have weighed nearly 20stones for a good 5 years. I'm not a small man by any means(I'm quite tall, 6 ft 4) and I am big built so I don't look too bad, but I need to start thinking about these sort of things.
So, here is the plan as it stands at the moment.
1) Join a Gym. There are 2 reasons for this, a) My Weight, which I intend to bring down to a more healthy 14 or 15 stone. But also, b) An outlet, something to get me out of the house and doing something other then playing the xbox, or staring idly at facebook, waiting for her to call or text me.
2) Get my teeth fixed. A source of frustration for S, and somewhat for me as well, as the state of my teeth has led me to the Dental hospital 3 times in the past 4 years. This is going to require that I get a loan to do this, as I fear there is a lot of work to do, however, due to a rather nice policy from my work, I should get most of this money back to go into my third part of the plan.
3) Finish my Driving lessons and actually learn how to drive.
4) Clear my overdraft. In all honesty, I should have done this years ago, and started doing it 2 months ago, but being £2300 in the red with the bank for so long has not been one of my proudest moments.
5) Get out more. I have a very small social circle and haven't done much to extend this in the last few years. This is something I need to change, as I have no desire to be "that guy" who stands at bars trying to buy random women drinks in the hope they will talk to me.
6) Hardest part, stop thinking about all the things that I should have done. I know where it went wrong, I can proportion the parts of the blame at my own feet, some at hers and some at his. I know it takes more then one person to totally screw something this badly.
7) When I feel ready, start thinking about moving on, get into something casual and not to serious with someone. I am a social creature at heart, and I need some sort of companionship to feel happy, but after 9 years I don't want to end up falling head over heals for someone again.
8) See my family more. A huge regret and something I really intend on thinking. My Oldest brother had a little boy 2 years ago, and I have never seen him.
9) Heal
It's no secret that I have a lot of issues in myself around self confidence and my looks, I'm not an amazingly attractive man and it's something that I have come to accept about myself and not anything I can really change.
However, I have let myself go a bit.
I have weighed nearly 20stones for a good 5 years. I'm not a small man by any means(I'm quite tall, 6 ft 4) and I am big built so I don't look too bad, but I need to start thinking about these sort of things.
So, here is the plan as it stands at the moment.
1) Join a Gym. There are 2 reasons for this, a) My Weight, which I intend to bring down to a more healthy 14 or 15 stone. But also, b) An outlet, something to get me out of the house and doing something other then playing the xbox, or staring idly at facebook, waiting for her to call or text me.
2) Get my teeth fixed. A source of frustration for S, and somewhat for me as well, as the state of my teeth has led me to the Dental hospital 3 times in the past 4 years. This is going to require that I get a loan to do this, as I fear there is a lot of work to do, however, due to a rather nice policy from my work, I should get most of this money back to go into my third part of the plan.
3) Finish my Driving lessons and actually learn how to drive.
4) Clear my overdraft. In all honesty, I should have done this years ago, and started doing it 2 months ago, but being £2300 in the red with the bank for so long has not been one of my proudest moments.
5) Get out more. I have a very small social circle and haven't done much to extend this in the last few years. This is something I need to change, as I have no desire to be "that guy" who stands at bars trying to buy random women drinks in the hope they will talk to me.
6) Hardest part, stop thinking about all the things that I should have done. I know where it went wrong, I can proportion the parts of the blame at my own feet, some at hers and some at his. I know it takes more then one person to totally screw something this badly.
7) When I feel ready, start thinking about moving on, get into something casual and not to serious with someone. I am a social creature at heart, and I need some sort of companionship to feel happy, but after 9 years I don't want to end up falling head over heals for someone again.
8) See my family more. A huge regret and something I really intend on thinking. My Oldest brother had a little boy 2 years ago, and I have never seen him.
9) Heal
Rough with the smooth.
I had what can only be described as a little bit of a revelation at the weekend.
I went to see my mum on Saturday, decided that sitting in the flat on my own would have been the worst Idea, so got out and seen some family for a while. Seen my Mum, spoke to her about what's happened. She is understandably quite gutted, but I didn't go into the full details about it.
Anyway, trip out the house, back to my Sisters and I was sitting watching the tennis, fighting off my Sisters 3 youngest as they climbed be like some monkey bars, and I realised a couple of things.
I would never have kids with her.
I had to get out of there, went out into the back garden and I just burst into tears. It's a hard thought to take because I genuinely wanted that, and now it's never going to happen.
The other part I realised was that I wasn't just losing my partner and the woman that I loved, I was also losing my best friend, and that was the single hardest thing for me to take. I have known S since I was 17 years old in some capacity, either as a Pen pal, or friends or otherwise, to think that I am going to lose her from my life after all these years is killing me.
I went to see my mum on Saturday, decided that sitting in the flat on my own would have been the worst Idea, so got out and seen some family for a while. Seen my Mum, spoke to her about what's happened. She is understandably quite gutted, but I didn't go into the full details about it.
Anyway, trip out the house, back to my Sisters and I was sitting watching the tennis, fighting off my Sisters 3 youngest as they climbed be like some monkey bars, and I realised a couple of things.
I would never have kids with her.
I had to get out of there, went out into the back garden and I just burst into tears. It's a hard thought to take because I genuinely wanted that, and now it's never going to happen.
The other part I realised was that I wasn't just losing my partner and the woman that I loved, I was also losing my best friend, and that was the single hardest thing for me to take. I have known S since I was 17 years old in some capacity, either as a Pen pal, or friends or otherwise, to think that I am going to lose her from my life after all these years is killing me.
Friday 7 September 2012
Right
So. It's been an interesting week to say the least.
I moved out of "our" flat on Tuesday, and it officially became "Her Flat" have the keys back and then went for a couple of drinks together. Tried to have a nice night, left her on the train at half 11 and went home and to my new life as a single man.
Wednesday rolled around, and all day, emails, nicey nicey, asking how my day was, if I was settling in ok, but also giving more information then I think she intended to. She has never been very good at lying, and when things change at the drop of a hat, it starts to get my suspicion glands going. At 6pm all that commenced was complete, and utter, radio silence. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing. I tried to call her to see if she was ok, and her phone was off.
So I did the most monumentally stupidest thing that I could have done. I grabbed my keys, left my flat, jumped on the train and went to hers.
I don't know what I expected to find, that she was genuinely in bed and asleep after feeling ill all day, or that she wasn't in at all, and I would catch her on her way back from wherever she was, I don't know.
What I did find, both broke my heart, and killed any thought that I could have saved this at all.
I managed to get into the flat after about half an hour, I buzzed the entry buzzer a couple of times, and tried to call her, but they both went unanswered. When I saw one of the negighbours come out for a smoke, I took my chance and got it, went up the stairs. I could hear voices, not a voice, but voices coming from inside the flat, so I peeked through the letter box, just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom, what had been until 24 hours before, OUR bedroom.
I didn't do anything, not immediatly. Instead I went outside and let my initial anger simmer off, but I fired off a text message telling her we needed to talk, NOW. After half an hour, and no reply, I decided to confront it head on, and went back, got back into the flat and got myself in by ringing the doorbell until she answered the door. She pushed me into the room and got him out of the flat. And then the fight began.
I don't know what I was expecting. I thought that things that she had told me over the past few weeks had been true, that she did still love me and wanted time and space to figure out what she wanted. The first thing she said to me when he was gone. "WE ARE BROKEN UP". Cheers. You made that clear.
Spent yesterday in a bit of a daze if I'm honest. Decided to keep emails civil but off the matter of what had happened, but I know that this is over now, In my heart I know that I can't forgive her for what she had done, and how she had made me feel like this is all my fault.
So, yeah, not a great first week away, but nothing that I wasn't really expecting anyway.
I moved out of "our" flat on Tuesday, and it officially became "Her Flat" have the keys back and then went for a couple of drinks together. Tried to have a nice night, left her on the train at half 11 and went home and to my new life as a single man.
Wednesday rolled around, and all day, emails, nicey nicey, asking how my day was, if I was settling in ok, but also giving more information then I think she intended to. She has never been very good at lying, and when things change at the drop of a hat, it starts to get my suspicion glands going. At 6pm all that commenced was complete, and utter, radio silence. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing. I tried to call her to see if she was ok, and her phone was off.
So I did the most monumentally stupidest thing that I could have done. I grabbed my keys, left my flat, jumped on the train and went to hers.
I don't know what I expected to find, that she was genuinely in bed and asleep after feeling ill all day, or that she wasn't in at all, and I would catch her on her way back from wherever she was, I don't know.
What I did find, both broke my heart, and killed any thought that I could have saved this at all.
I managed to get into the flat after about half an hour, I buzzed the entry buzzer a couple of times, and tried to call her, but they both went unanswered. When I saw one of the negighbours come out for a smoke, I took my chance and got it, went up the stairs. I could hear voices, not a voice, but voices coming from inside the flat, so I peeked through the letter box, just in time to see him coming out of the bedroom, what had been until 24 hours before, OUR bedroom.
I didn't do anything, not immediatly. Instead I went outside and let my initial anger simmer off, but I fired off a text message telling her we needed to talk, NOW. After half an hour, and no reply, I decided to confront it head on, and went back, got back into the flat and got myself in by ringing the doorbell until she answered the door. She pushed me into the room and got him out of the flat. And then the fight began.
I don't know what I was expecting. I thought that things that she had told me over the past few weeks had been true, that she did still love me and wanted time and space to figure out what she wanted. The first thing she said to me when he was gone. "WE ARE BROKEN UP". Cheers. You made that clear.
Spent yesterday in a bit of a daze if I'm honest. Decided to keep emails civil but off the matter of what had happened, but I know that this is over now, In my heart I know that I can't forgive her for what she had done, and how she had made me feel like this is all my fault.
So, yeah, not a great first week away, but nothing that I wasn't really expecting anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)