i've made a huge mistake

Been a while since I've posted, and there is a good reason.

I did the classic thing of getting into a relationship too soon, after a few weeks I went to see my brother in Norwich. That weekend made me realise that i need to do something different with my life.

So, last week i made the decision to end it before it got any further. Big mistake, spennt moat of Sunday trying to explain why i felt the way i did, and why i needed to go. What happened next was my worst nightmare. And now i feel like i am trapped in a relationship that i don't want to be in.

I haven't slept in nearly a week because my head is swimming, and i know if i don't do something soon then i am going to have some sort of breakdown, but i have no idea what i xacan do.

Help!!

Dreams

I am having a recurring dream at the moment. It's the same one every time but the details will change a little, but it's always the same in the main part.


I'm lying in bed with S, and she tells me that she want's to be with me, and that she has made a terrible mistake. And I feel so happy when she says those words that I instantly feel happy.

Meh. I honestly don't know why, in my head I have accepted this, but I suppose a part of me will always want that to happen.

I hate my emotions.

The last week things have been feeling like they were getting easier, I have been sleeping, I have went out with people to make sure I am not getting stuck in the house all of the time, and I have been doing whatever I can to keep my mind of everything that's been going on.

Then this morning, whilst I was playing Borderlands, out of fucking nowhere, a thought popped into my head and boom! I am in tears. Not a bad episode by all means, but it's really set me up for the rest of the day.

I feel so lonely right now, I just want to reach out and talk to someone, anyone about nothing and everything, and I just can't. I am getting friends sorted just fine, and they are becoming real friends, and not just people that I talk to at work or whatever, but I just don't have that person in my life right now who I can sit and talk shite to for hours and just while away the day.

I'm more upset about the lonleness right now then anything else.

Ugh

Moving on.

It's hard when every great memory you have is of the person that you can no longer be with. That's been bothering me today.

I went out for Coffee with a friend I hadn't seen for years yesterday and we sat and talked shite for a couple of hours, and it was good, it was fun and neither of us spoke directly about the situation that I had found myself in. But every story, every anecdote and every memory either directly or indirectly involved S.

*sigh*

A mission statement of sorts

I need to summon the strength from somewhere to put this sorry chapter of my life behind me and move on. I am done with the not sleeping, I'm done with the tears, I'm done asking questions and getting no answers. I just want to feel like myself again, find someone who makes me happy and who in turn, I can make happy. That's not too much to ask for is it?

Maybe I'm a little damaged right now, when you say goodbye to what WAS your life for 9 years there is no other way you will feel, no matter what side of the emotional wringer you have come out of. But the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept and move on. If it was really meant to be then the things that happened would not have happened and we would still be together.

My life has been empty these last few weeks as I have kept myself out of it. I haven't been living, just exisisting in this weird place where the only thing that I have to fill my days are Work and Videogames. Today that changes. Maybe not totally, but I will start to live my life like it was mine once more, and do the things that I have always wanted to, and have the things that I have wanted. If I get sad along the way, then I will embrace that sadness, but I will not dwell on it. I will use it to focus on more than just being sad. Put it into writing, playing guitar, designing my website. ANYTHING.

I will embrace the friends that I have, both old and new, I will reconnect with the people that I loved when I was younger, and I will survive. At the end of all of this, I will be a better person, both physically and emotionally, and I will learn that the lessons worth learning in life are the ones that have huge mistakes attached to them.

To S, I will always love you, with all of my heart and soul, but you have made your choice here and I will have to accept it. Even if it turns out that you made the wrong one, you will need to have the strength and will to own up to the mistakes you have made and the lies that you have told.  We will never be together again, It's not something I ever wanted to admit, but the hurt is too deep from me, and the mistrust from you is even deeper. But somewhere down the line, maybe in 6 months, maybe a year, but sometime soon, we will remember what bought us into each others lifes, and why we were together so long, and remember that promise we made to each other years ago, that no matter what happens, we would always be friends. This is why I have not simply walked away from you and let you struggle on your own with a flat you can barely afford, or the clean up of my years of absolout sloth(something, that despite your best protests to the contrary, you too have been as guilty of as me). But these are all mistakes that are in the past, and that is where they will stay I just hope that you get the Joy and hapiness that you desrve.

I have made mistakes, I know that. And I don't place any blame on you for the reason that we ended. What I do blame you for, and I blame him for, is the the WAY the relationship ended. If you truley loved me you would have told me when there was a problem and what you actually wanted from me.  I would have done that for you. I tried to do that for you, when you started to drift I tried to get you to talk, but it felt that by that time you were already too far gone for me to ever get back.

To my friends, old and new. I am ready to live my life again, help me live as a man in my posisition should, get out there, meet new people and make new friends and become a better man all round. These are the things that I want right.

To my family, I love you all. Every single last one of you. Over the last 2 months you have shown me more support and love then I have ever felt that I deserved, and for that I am truley happy. You have made me realise just how much I have taken all of you for granted and I promise that I will never do that to you again. I have missed all of my nephews and neices growing up, and I will never forgive myself for this.

No Contact

I decided that I need to break absolutely all contact with S for a little while. It's nothing personal to her, but I need to properly have the space and time that I need to feel better.

I realized that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't been living, I have simply been existing, and I have started to feel worse and worse because of it. I need to go and start living my life again, and filling my time with the things that I want to do, rather then moping about and pretending to myself that it will all work out fine in the end.

I went to her's last night and pretty much told her this, that I need to start living my life again, and that I need to start letting her live hers. She understood, I stayed the night(slept on the couch), and left this morning, and i have felt great today. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

My plans for the next few months haven't changed, I still intend on joining the Gym next month, I still intend on getting my drivers license. But I will be doing these things for me, and no one else.

I still wish I had someone to share my life with, but I know in my heart that right now, I can't have anyone because I will break their heart, I made that mistake before and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again.

I REALLY identify with this song...

Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...

So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate -
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know

I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart...
when you refused to fight

So save your breath, I will not hear.
I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love.
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend.
Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a saint...
My own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go

So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
My love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

I have a question.

This is something that's been bothering me for the last couple of days, through conversations with friends, family and people outside the situation.

But what part of the following sentence is supposed to be comforting?

"It will get better in time"

I just don't know why, but every time someone says this to me, it's like a kick to the knackers. I know it get's better, I know that I will feel myself again eventually, but offer me something constructive to think or talk about rather then that.

I know people are trying to help, and I thank each and every person who has let me sit and bend their ears about what's been happening recently, I just hate that sentence.

12 Days later

It's been 12 days since S and I officially broken up. In that time I have seen her about 4 times and everytime that I do, I feel great that she wants to see me, and crap that it has to end.

I made a decision on Tuesday, something that I think we both knew would happen, and would only be a matter of time before it did, but I told her that I needed her out of my life for a little while.

I still love her, despite everything that has happened I don't think that I will ever not, but If I am going to move on I need to accept that the things that I want will never happen, and I can't accept these things if I am going to be seeing her every week in the next few months.

I don't know how long this will last, but it starts from the end of the month, she has suggested 3 months, I am thinking it might be better to go a little longer and say at least 6 months. She still tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that what is happening with G is more for fun then anything else right now and she doesn't actually know what she wants.

We both need to sit down and have a proper talk about how then next half year is going to play out, but for the next 11 days I will ignore that part and just try and enjoy the brief moments that she want's to spend with me.

I know that I can't keep her in my life whilst I still feel like this about her though, I know that she can't keep me in her life if she actually doesn't know what she want's right now. Maybe what we both need after so long together is some perspective on the situation that we have found ourselves in.

What I do know, after 10 days, is that I can't stay single for too long. In my life I have never not had someone around me at all times, I come from a large family and I have an Identical twin brother, I have never once been totally alone until now, and i honestly don't know how long I can take this for.